Link Love (2013-06-01)

Thought-provoking

“Also, it’s very nice and forgiving that you want to chalk up the cruelty to his bad headspace and addiction issues, but this is still a person who, when the chips are down and things are stressful, releases that stress by being mean to you. Almost everyone who has ever been involved with an addict or a mean person has the same story to tell about this “amazing” person when they’re not drinking/depressed/studying for finals/looking for a job/grieving/using and treats the bad behavior like a massive aberration. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, many of us have done it – there is Good Ex (the one we love) and Bad Ex (the demon that comes out only sometimes and isn’t really his fault because brain chemistry/bad childhood/poorly socialized/substances) and we tell ourselves a story that our love & loyalty can defeat Bad Ex and leave us only with Good Ex. Bad Exes tends to LOVE this story and really spin it out with beautifully crafted apologies for bad behavior that end with you apologizing to them for not being forgiving and accommodating enough.
I would like to put forth the thesis that Good Ex and Bad Ex are the same (“cruel”, boundary violating, untrustworthy, unsafe) person, and that there are people who don’t say mean, terrible things to each other when they are stressed out or sad, and the story of the Amazing! Guy With the Wicked Dark Side is a toxic story that we’re all sort of culturally addicted to.” #480: Post-breakup friend custody with a gross congealed moldy side of stalking – Captain Awkward

Rules for life – The Bloggess

“Psychotherapist and executive coach Jonathan Alpert says that over-givers and people pleasers go hand in hand. “Over-givers use gifts as a way to gain and keep friends, because they think they need to be overly generous to be liked,” he says. It becomes problematic, he continues, when the giver is constantly putting others ahead of his or herself, like the woman profiled in his book who skipped a family funeral to work, for fear of letting down her boss. “People pleasers are afraid of disappointing others, to the point where they neglect their own needs.” Being Too Generous Could Hurt Your Relationships. Here’s Why – LifeHacker

A Step-by-Step Process to Teach Yourself Anything (in a Fraction of the Time) – Scott H Young

“In fact, I think that a certain level of self esteem is necessary for long-term self improvement. You have to believe that you’re worth improving and that you have the capability to do so. There’s a difference between feeling like you have to fix yourself to be an acceptable human being and loving being a human so much that you want to become as good as you possibly can.” Better All the Time – Tynan

“My plan was to leave the internet and therefore find the “real” Paul and get in touch with the “real” world, but the real Paul and the real world are already inextricably linked to the internet. Not to say that my life wasn’t different without the internet, just that it wasn’t real life.” I’m still here: back online after a year without the internet – The Verge

Religion

“And yet, despite these students and their families receiving the bulk of the negative response, they are often the ones who are accused of being intolerant of Christians. They are accused of wanting to scrub God from society.” The Christian Guide to Atheists: Atheists Want to Remove God from Society – Alice… Write

“@mtvnews: Beyoncé, Rihanna & Katy Perry send prayers to #Oklahoma#PrayForOklahoma”I feel like an idiot now…I only sent money.” — Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) May 21, 2013 What Good is #PrayForOklahoma Without Action to Back It Up? – Friendly Atheist

“But when this came to my mind again the other day, I saw it a bit differently. Let me put it this way: If having another child doesn’t make a difference, you’re doing it wrong. Raising children in today’s world isn’t supposed to be something you do in bulk. Rather, raising children is intensive. It involves a great deal of time, money, and energy. It involves investing in an individual little being, forming a connection, and being there when needed. The idea that you wouldn’t even notice the addition of another child? That’s not how it’s supposed to work!” “One More Never Made a Difference” – Love, Joy, Feminism

Equality

Dear Straight People: We Have to Talk – UpWorthy

“Contrary to some big generalizations out there, men do in fact feel, but most men were trained as little boys by the “boy code” to not feel. They were trained and taught to suck it up, not cry, etc. For example, as a boy I was trained by my dad and my culture to not feel. To feel meant I would be judged as a wimp, a girl, or even gay. (As if girls or gay people are somehow bad?) So, men do feel, it’s just challenging for many men to know what they are feeling.
So, it’s understandable why many men don’t allow themselves to feel and can’t even identify a feeling. Many adult men are still very scared to feel their feelings because if they do, their fear is they will be judged as not manly, acting like a girl or being weak or gay.” Why Men Need to Feel Their Feelings – Role / Reboot

“I will repeat.  #ShutUpAndListen is not about silencing dissent, conversation, or about bullying forward an ideology.  It’s about the fact that if you are not listening, you may not be in a cognitive position to understand because your mind is oriented along the lines of the mainstream idea being criticized.  In this specific case of male privilege, it’s about how one’s position as a male in our society gives that person unconscious, automatic, and unintended advantages that they will not see by trying to engage by using it.” The Zen of why atheist men should understand #ShutUpAndListen – Atheist, Polyamorous Sceptics

“Think of the cost here with our teenage boys. When boys and adolescent boys are trained day in and day out to put each other down with “girl,” “pussy,” “vagina,” “cunt,” etc, over time the association becomes entrenched. It can start out pretty innoscent, but pretty soon, this bleeds over to how boys treat girls. They begin to disrespect girls in an ongoing way and use “girl behavior” as the big put down to each other. They attempt to push away the feminine because they are doing their best to hide the feminine aspects of themselves.” A Man’s Biggest Fear (that he won’t admit) – Jayson Gaddis

“You know how it is, right, ladies? You know a guy for a while. You hang out with him. You do fun things with him—play video games, watch movies, go hiking, go to concerts. You invite him to your parties. You listen to his problems. You do all this because you think he wants to be your friend.
But then, then comes the fateful moment where you find out that all this time, he’s only seen you as a potential girlfriend. And then if you turn him down, he may never speak to you again. This has happened to me time after time: I hit it off with a guy, and, for all that I’ve been burned in the past, I start to think that this one might actually care about me as a person. And then he asks me on a date.” Why Do Men Keep Putting Me in the Girlfriend-Zone? – [Insert Literary Reference]

Why Not Say Everyday Humanism Instead of Everyday Feminism? – Everyday Feminism

Health

How to Clean Your Front-Loading Washing Machine – Savvy Sugar

Magnesium Body Butter Recipe and DIY- Wellness Mama

20 Ways to Clean with Baking Soda – Care2

Your Practical Guide for Dental Decisions, Part 2 – Whole9

7 Characteristics Associated with Long Life (and How to Cultivate Them) – Mark’s Daily Apple

Buy a New Toothbrush Whenever You Buy Toothpaste – LifeHacker

Recipes

Watermelon Mint Lemonade – Against All Grain

Ghee Mayo – Homemade Mommy

Primal Beef Enchiladas – Mark’s Daily Apple

Blackened Salmon with Mango-Avocado Salsa – Against All Grain

Beauty & Body Image

“One of the most infuriating things to me is that those who are comfortable showing a little more skin are assumed to have no self-respect. Even worse, there are then people who say, “If you don’t respect yourself, why should I respect you?”, which is one of the least logically sound things I can think of. Everyone deserves a basic level of respect, and denying it by using something as trivial as skirt length, which can tell you absolutely nothing about someone’s morals, character or self-worth, is absurd. If someone dislikes me or disagrees with me, I would hope it is due to something of actual substance. When someone says “have some self-respect”, what I actually hear is “behave in a way that I deem good enough for me to respect you”. It’s really nothing to do with how much self-respect someone has. It is a judgemental statement, made to shame people for having different preferences or standards.
To me, self-respect is about putting myself first. It means I don’t wear clothes I’m uncomfortable in, just because other people think I should. It means caring about my health and well-being. It means I don’t have to smile and bear it when people are rude to me, or maintain relationships that are bad for me. It means knowing what I deserve, and that I deserve to pursue it.” The Modesty Panel: What I Wear is None of Your Damn Business – Bras and Body Image

If Men Posed Like Female American Apparel Models – Business Insider

“Also, how about this idea that the level of “respect” you should receive is inextricably linked with how “modest” you are. Shouldn’t “respect” be linked with intellect, intelligence, ability to hold an intriguing conversation?  What does respect have to do with the tightness of your dress or the shortness of your skirt?  Too often, we measure respect for women on the basis of how well they fit our standard of “modesty” and “decency.”  This is oppressive.  How about this?  A woman doesn’t leave her house everyday desperate to receive your stamp of approval and rating of modesty? Maybe it’s just her choice to wear what she wants and act the way she desires. It’s a ludicrous idea I know, but just consider it for a moment.” Why The Concept Of ‘Modesty’ Disgusts Me – The Feminist Wire

“Those experiences awoke a rage deep within me, and gave birth to the educated feminist I’ve become today. People made me feel ashamed for my body; something natural, and something I can’t help. Because our society has over-sexualized women’s breasts, I am being penalized and objectified. Because our society still holds onto archaic, patriarchal ideals, women are somehow still expected to be chaste, pure, and modest. When women are sexually harassed, society blames them for not covering up their bodies and provoking them. Choosing to cover yourself is one thing (and there’s nothing wrong with it!), but the concept that a woman’s self-worth is based on how pure, modest, and appealing she is to men is absurd. You are not your body. Your body does not represent your self-worth.” It’s Not Your Body – Red Hair & Girly Flair

“And then I read that, apparently, it was Immodest to leave your jacket partially unzippedfix your bra strap if it slippedwear shorts that are shorter than “mid thigh” or skirts that come above the kneestand a certain waystretch, or bend over. It dawned on me later that the survey was basically asking a horde of horny male teenagers (along with, creepily, a handful of men aged 40+) about what turned them on (Spoiler alert: everything), and then telling the teenage girls that it was all their fault for the way they dressed (not to mention the admonition that girls who were “more attractive” or “curvy” needed to be the Most Modest of All). That’s… pretty useless.” The Modesty Panel: Growing Up in the Christian Homeschooling Subculture – Boosaurus!

“Bodies are diverse. People are diverse. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, and young women (as well as young people in general) should never be told that they need to change something fundamental about themselves in order to be more acceptable. Telling women they need smaller bazongas if they want to avoid bullying is feeding into a larger and really gross culture about women and bodies.” Bullied at School? Get a Breast Reduction! – xoJane

Inspirational

Do You Have Shopping Cart Anxiety? – Part 1 – Crunchy Betty

“And then I started bawling. Not because I’d miraculously allowed myself to suddenly believe in the positive words I was saying, but because I’d been able to see how routine the negativity had become, how cruel I’d been to myself on a regular basis, and it was shocking to feel something inside of me that had been dimmed for a very long time, to recognize that maybe there was something good there, something worth saving, and that maybe all my brain needed was a little encouragement from the healthy side of me, as opposed to a constant stream of bullying from my illness. When your brain is constantly telling you you’re worthless, ugly, stupid, unlovable, evil, horrible, mean, disgusting, etc., it gets easy to believe, even when it isn’t true. Taking a second to say, “Wait a minute, I’m not worthless,” may sound foolish (watch out—there’s that bully in your mind undermining you), but it actually brings you back to a state of control over your own thoughts, and the more you repeat it, the quieter that mean voice in your head becomes. Eventually, the positive thoughts are the ones that come naturally, and you can spot the negative ones creeping in from a mile away, no longer automatic, but sinister and nasty and worthy of this response.” Literally the Best Thing Ever: Daily Affirmations – Rookie

I believe life begins INSIDE of our comfort zones and only when we feel safe enough to stretch out does life (and our comfort zone) expand.” In praise of safety – Rachel W. Cole

Be More, Do Less – Think Simple Now

Be authentic, scared and vulnerable. Don’t hide how you feel. Don’t pretend. Be who you are. Face and embrace your fear. Let your uniqueness shine. Being real is very attractive.” 13 Things Fearless People Do Differently – The Bold Life

“In every moment, there’s the capacity for happiness. It’s not that we need to be ecstatic, full of pleasure, excited or even joyous each and every second of the day. Who needs that kind of pressure? And it’s not that we can never feel sadness or anger or stress. It’s that we can feel happiness, in some form, any moment we like, even in the midst of stress or sadness.” Smile in Each Moment – Zen Habits

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