Link Love (2013-06-15)


Here’s a helpful distinction between care-taking versus “caring for” someone.
Care-taking—Trying to make someone feel better because you want to be liked by them, or your desire to help them is coming from your own fear/discomfort and your desire to “get rid of” the uncomfortable feelings in yourself seeing them in pain. The underlying message you are sending is something like “I don’t trust you can take care of yourself. You need me and my help.” This can prop you up and make you feel valued by being such a “caring” person. You “get” some validation by giving and you enjoy that, even to the point of feeling proud. They can end up feeling slimed or like something is “off” in the interaction. Not clean.
The care-taker often shows up as an enabler, giver, savior or rescuer.  In enneagram terms, the care-taker is the number 2. The care-taker is often out of touch with their own needs so they indirectly get their unmet needs met through giving. Chogyam Trungpa called care-taking Idiot Compassion.
Caring for—helping or serving someone because you genuinely feel love and care for them.  You genuinely trust they don’t “need” you or your specific help but you feel called to “be there” for them.  You don’t lose yourself in your caring of them. In fact, you don’t even need to do anything (although you might) because how you feel inside sends the message of “I accept you and love you through this.” They end up feeling held and cared about by you.  Clean.” Care-Taking vs Caring For – Deepening Relationships

” But what these theories overlook is one of the biggest changes between millennials and the generations before. Their mothers are the first women to fully embrace the implications of the feminist revolution. When the millennials were born, the battles over reproductive rights, women in the workplace, and no-fault divorce had been won by feminists, and the kids that grew up in this feminist-friendly environment have reaped the rewards.” Thank Feminism for Millenials’ Cooperative, Liberal Spirit – The Daily Beast

“As it turns out, it’s not the thought that counts or even the action that counts. That’s because the other person doesn’t experience your thought or your action. They experience the consequences of your action.” What to Do When You’ve Made Someone Angry, by Peter Bregman – Daily Good

3 Stages of Sensitivity in Relationship – Jayson Gaddis

“But you know what? I didn’t try to stop it. I can’t control Sally’s emotions, and I’m not going to try to. I can’t force Sally to feel  how I want her to feel, and even if I could I wouldn’t do it. Sally’s emotions are hers, not mine. And yes, that means that sometimes she’ll get mad at me. And sometimes I get mad at her, too. And that’s okay. In fact, it would be kind of weird if we never got frustrated or upset with each other.” Sally’s Emotions Are Hers, Not Mine – Love, Joy, Feminism


“It’s interesting to note the ease with which the author can argue that she wants men to see women as people, and not as sex objects, while comparing women to inanimate objects and without ever mentioning the term consent. It seems to me, after all, that teaching consent is a primary way we can help ensure that men see us as people rather than sex toys. As long as they keep reading analogies about how women are chocolate cake just begging to be consumed, they’re not going to see women as fully equal individuals who are able to make their own decisions about sex. In fact, rather than seeing them as equal individuals they may even end up resenting women as cruel temptresses who just want to torture them.” Chocolate Cake Can’t Consent – Love, Joy, Feminism

“”I believed that Muslim societies didn’t need any feminist movement because *I* was already enjoying all the rights. Men in my family didn’t force any form of clothing on me. I wasn’t told not to pursue further education or career.  Pregnancy was a joint decision between my husband and I. Child rearing was joint responsibility. I believed that Quran allowed men to mildly hit an unruly wife – I wasn’t unruly. Some women are less educated/intelligent so obviously they can’t be trusted as witnesses – I wasn’t stupid or poorly educated. Men have different needs and maybe some need more than one wife – well, that wasn’t happening to me. I never made the effort to understand divorce laws. Thus, I never consciously realised that if my husband and I were to divorce he has the right to arbitrary unilateral divorce while I don’t. I would have to ask him for divorce. It isn’t the same. I didn’t understand the monogamy-stipulating concept of Mahr. I didn’t appreciate the problems with khula. I had no idea about automatic child custody in Islamic Jurisprudence. In fact I didn’t even know that to be able to drive, work or travel on my own in a few Muslim countries I needed a formal written permission from my husband.”” How unnoticed privileges contribute to a system of oppression – Metis’ Blog on Muslim Feminists

How Can Christians Witness to Atheists? One Pastor Thinks He Knows – Friendly Atheist


“A lot of women make excuses for the inability or unwillingness of their boyfriends/husbands/male partners to talk about their emotions. When these women have children, it really shouldn’t be a surprise when they aren’t able to teach their sons the emotional skills to talk about their feelings. How can you teach someone to do something when you don’t know what it would look like? Plus, there’s a good chance of reenacting the same patterns with children that we have with our partners or that we saw growing up. At the risk of making an overgeneralization, women who coddle men around their feelings often do the same with their sons. It’s a chicken-and-egg sort of situation, and the cycle is passed from generation to generation.” Why Women Need to Stop Coddling Their Male Partners – Role / Reboot

Why I’m Supporting the #FBrape Campaign – Gender Focus

“Men, especially those in positions of influence and power, must hold other men accountable. They must find the moral integrity and the mental gumption to tell their peers that it is wrong. Most offenders lead more normal lives than we like to remember, and so it is changing the normalcy of violence that we should pursue. It is this spectrum of intervention that must begin on an individual basis in athletic locker rooms, business meetings, and favorite bars. Martin Luther King Jr. once said that what hurts the most “is not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” It is the acrimony of quietude that is most debilitating, most injurious to women, children, and even other men who suffer from what is largely, a leadership problem.” Not our fight: Male violence and the Bystander Effect – Feministe

Oftentimes when I am in a place occupied by butches and men, masculinity becomes a kind of currency.
Butches start talking about how they’ve “fucked more girls” than the men, “gotten more pussy,” and are “better in bed.”
Their sexual partners become objects rather than humans.” Butch Please: Butch with a Side of Misogyny – Everyday Feminism

Facebook promises to take action on gender-based hatred – Feministing


The Habit of Intentional Rest – Every Breath I Take

Castor Oil Uses – Care2


Sausage and Onions – Civilized Caveman Cooking Creations

Salmon, Cured at Home! With Ease. – Like Mother, Like Daughter

Chocolate Strawberry Tart – The Cavewoman Cafe

Lemon Berry Cheesecake (Raw, Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Vegan Option) – The Fitchen

Red Wine Sangria with Strawberries – The Primalist

Beauty & Body Image

Gracey on Riding in Skirts – Already Pretty


Facing Your Flaws & Exposing Your Dark Side – Care2

“We are working hard to hang out with people that don’t get us. We are working hard to do things that we pretend energize us, but that, in truth, drain us. We are working hard to be someone we are not, never sure we’re “doing it right.”” Why We Want Them to Like Us (And Why We Don’t Need Them To) – Tiny Buddha

Your Definitive Summer Slow Down Guide – Be More With Less

Ditch the Drama – Danielle Dowling

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