“You got that job you wanted, right? Congratulations! Did you interview for it, and put your best foot forward? That’s great! But why then call this “an answer to prayer?” You made it happen by doing the things people do to make this happen. Does it matter to you at all that other people did the same things you did, and got their jobs, too, but didn’t pray at all? This is how confirmation bias works. If you automatically rule out all data which contradicts your hypothesis (in this case that “praying for things can make things happen”), then of course all you’re left with is positive results! If you also refuse to eliminate other relevant variables (like interviewing for the job, or taking the medicine, or working the extra shift, or telling the whole Sunday school class about how broke you are) then acquiring affirmative results is a piece of cake.” Lessons Learned from the Death of a Snake Handler – Godless in Dixie
“But this isn’t a one person thing. Her sentiment is actually something I’ve seen quite a bit. We, we grown homeschool kids, you see we’re not allowed to speak on homeschooling unless we have homeschool kids of our own.
Because apparently having been a homeschool kid yourself isn’t enough.” Is Having Been a Homeschool Kid Really Not Enough? – Love, Joy, Feminism
“Women’s sports tend to be less well-funded than men’s. We tend to have a lower profile. We don’t get tens of thousands of people watching us play. We rarely get the fancy sponsorship. We rarely get to play as a profession- we fit our training around our day jobs instead.
And we play, even though we don’t get paid, and even though we don’t get acknowledged or taken seriously. When you watch women’s sports, you’re not watching people who are in it for the adulation and the glory. You’re watching people who live and breathe their game, who love it and dedicate themselves to it despite the fact that hardly anyone outside their circles gives a rat’s ass about what they’re doing.
But, y’know, if you’d rather watch a bunch of overpaid guys run around the place.. be my guest.” Women’s Sports are Boring – Consider the Tea Cosy
“In debate libertarians argue that their ideology is based on freedom, all they want is to be free of government interference. After all, liberty is so important to them they put it in their name. But how can anyone disagree with that? Do social democrats hate liberty? What I have found is that in the debates between left and right, people are arguing past each other rather than with each other. So the left does believe in freedom, but they just view it differently. In this sense there are two types of freedom. There is negative liberty or freedom from, which is the main principle advocated by the right and there is positive liberty orfreedom to, which is the main principle advocated by the left.” The Two Types of Freedom – Robert Nielsen
Beauty & Body Image
“Age is a weapon society uses against women. Each year that you gain comfort in your own flesh, your flesh is seen as worth less. Thirty, like 40 or 50, is a demarcation line, but a particularly loaded one. Cross it, says the world, and you leave the trifling-but-addictive privileges of girlhood behind. Invisibility this way, ma’am.” On Turning 30 – VICE
“I see selfies as an important way to have more confidence, to get to know myself better, my moods, to capture moments that make me happy, to feel comfortable in my own skin, to share the joy of a great outfit or makeup. There are so many good things that selfies have been bringing to me since the invention of digital cameras, and I feel that they have helped me build a better body image.” Insight: Selfies and Positive Body Image – More of Me to Love
“Just as parents need to let their children know that they love them even if they don’t always love what they do, we each need to learn to love ourselves unconditionally, even when we make mistakes or do things we’re not proud of.
It’s possible and important to accept ourselves, even when we’re less than pleased with our actions.” unconditional self-love – effervescence
“We can not live in spite of ourselves. We cannot force ourselves to show up and perform without leading directly to a state of burnout. We must be tender stewards of our bodies, moving ourselves with purpose and pleasure as we tend to our own needs.” Tender Sustainability – Mara Glatzel
“Like most mortals out there, I suffer from a sometimes-paralysing sense that, unlike everyone else in the world, I’m just making it all up as I go along, flying by the seat of my pants, and someday someone’s gonna find out I’ve been faking it all this time. If you told me that everyone reading this blog is in fact my mother, logged in from a shedload of different locations, and maybe some people who just showed up to laugh at my terrible writing? A little part of my brain would believe you. Sounds legit, like.” Sports and the Death of Imposter Syndrome – Consider the Tea Cosy
“We’re conditioned to think that more choice is always a good thing, but in the past few years, studies have discovered something called decision fatigue. The research helps explain why decisions are so much harder at the end of a work day and why we’re tempted by the candy in the checkout lane after a marathon grocery trip.” How to be Happier and More Productive by Avoiding ‘Decision Fatigue’ – Buffer Blog
“It’s certainly true that some people are more able to use teasing — i.e., making fun or mocking someone playfully — in a nice way than are others. Some people can use teasing as a way to make people feel closer, as a way to show friendship — which is obviously a good thing. But maybe that’s more in the nature of “joshing” (teasing lite) than real “teasing.” Some people are good at using teasing as a way to bring up a difficult subject in a way that’s a relief to everyone — very tricky to do well.” Thinking About Teasing – Something I’ve Never Thought Much About – The Happiness Project
“Notice anything? They call it adultery and treat the girl as just as guilty as her abuser. When Donn Ketcham began sexually abusing the girl, he was pushing 60 and she was 12. And they call it adultery. That was the problem—Donn Ketcham, missionary doctor, had an affair with a 12-year-old girl.” They called it “adultery” and made her confess – Love, Joy, Feminism
“It’s true that some women try not to let their humor out of the bag as a survival technique. When we are funny, we can quickly become construed as a threat, so sometimes we figure it’s better to keep our heads down and pretend to be serious so we don’t become a target of outrage. This is a technique common to all oppressed groups, and it’s one reason that, I would argue, women and minorities are often much funnier than white men. They just keep it on the qt.” Why Are Some Men Threatened By Funny Women – Role / Reboot
“The “your daughter isn’t bossy” message is such a strong one, and has helped pave the way in which women idealise and translate real female leadership values. The message also re-iterates the importance of how female leaders must teach young girls to look through the lens of real women. Here is another fantastic article and video clip in the Huffington Post based on a campaign to get more girls interested in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Maths). The video clearly shows how our girls are becoming warriors and trailblazers in the playground, and are no longer tolerating the out-dated label of being a “bossy boots”.” Your Daughter Isn’t Bossy and Other Real Female Leadership Lessons – Project Eve
Power (Protection) by Shaun McGonical takes you into a fascinating, sci-fi, future dystopian world. A world that battles with issue of religion, issues of power and how far we should be allowed to go in our “protection” of others.
Shaun McGonical is one of the author’s and founder of PolySkeptic, which is how I came across his book in the first place. While you can tell that the novel hasn’t been edited by a professional, it does not detract from the content. I read a lot. These days it is quite unique that I really get stuck in with a story – especially a story of 800+ pages, but Power did just that for me.
Support a new author who dared to take the step and self-publish his book – and get stuck in a great story while you’re at it. Highly recommended.
Thaleans never had any religion, not in the entire history of their world. They had never had their own concepts of gods, spirits, or any supernatural power or realms. The Bruuk sometimes joke that this is because Thaleans lack a power of imagination and abstraction that allow other races to imagine such false beings in the first place. This is also why, they say, Thaleans never had any need for philosophy; they saw only the world as it was, and thus never had to invent a way of thinking to circumvent the illusions created by minds riddled with fantasy. Of course, this may be why Thaleans don’t have much in terms of art, as what the Thaleans see as art the Bruuk see as functional architecture and technology that works very efficiently.
“You know, the thing I’ve noticed is that Thaleans tell everyone that family doesn’t mean anything to them. But I think you might have the wrong concept of family, my friend.” Brax stiffened, and was about to respond when Tellinas continued; “Think about how your cities coalesced over the centuries. Think about how you share everything with your neighbors in the hope of improving yourselves. Now think about how each city is different in many ways; how you can tell a person from Patula… well, what few of them left anyway… or from Cesternatton or Zule. Your families are your cities, and you take care of one-another like extended families as a race . Family is important to you; it’s just that family is not limited to biology for Thaleans. It’s one of the things that we, as Kasarians, have in common with you, except we are well aware of it while you seem not to be… at least not so much.”
“Son, one day you’ll learn that there are some things that when known, cannot be unknown. And those things will forever change your perspective on the world. If you knew half of what I know about the Protectors, you would not want to know any more.”
Do you read books by more “unknown” authors? Why/why not?
As always I invite you to find me and connect with me on Goodreads.
“No. I didn’t know. I didn’t know or think any of this. I was a kid who got good grades and went to college and worked hard. I thought everybody had the experience I was having with alcohol. I thought I was “having fun” like everybody else.
And by the time I realized I was in trouble, I couldn’t stop.
By the time I realized I couldn’t stop, I COULDN’T STOP.
And that, my friends, is the piece you’re missing: By the time we realize we’re dying, we’re dying. By the time we begin to suspect a problem, we are in the grip of a deadly disease, a disease that lives in the body and the mind. The body demands more – aches and screams and begs for more; the mind says “You’ll die if you don’t have more. It will be okay this time. Just one more time, Janelle.”” We don’t start with a needle in our arms – Renegade Mothering
“If there isn’t a proverb about how you have to live abroad to find out how *insert nationality here* you really are, it should be invented. This is it: We don’t beat around the bush. We do things to get somewhere. And if someone asks us how we are, we tell them. Only “Not so well/Happy because my best friend just had a baby/A bit constipated” aren’t acceptable answers in England, where you’re not meant to answer that question at all. For the first five years, I kept getting it wrong, and beat myself up about not fitting in. After that, I started doing it for fun. Nothing brightens my day like seeing the panic on a polite Englishperson’s face upon being told a shockingly personal story of various mishaps in the recent life of a German immigrant. Theoretically, you could spend hours torturing your Englishperson, since English Politeness Rules forbid any sign of rudeness, which includes walking away from a conversation. But we don’t want to be rude either.” Expat Ramblings: English Politeness – Persephone Magazine
“You can’t step back to clarify what your Most Important Tasks are unless you realize you’re procrastinating in the first place. You can’t break a task into small steps unless you realize you’re dreading the task. You can’t clear away distractions unless you realize you’ve been following the urge to go to these distractions.
Awareness is everything with procrastination. The problem isn’t finding solutions to procrastination — it’s being aware of what’s going on in the first place.” Procrastination is a Mindfulness Problem – zen habits
“But I am starting to think that’s just not the case. Because I really don’t see how I could have continued to educate myself, continue to grow into adulthood, and still do the dishonest things intellectually necessary to say Christianity is true. I would inevitably have come across certain arguments I now know, only later, even if it took a longer time for the cumulative effect of them wearing me down to happen. But so long as I remained on the path of thinking about theology and philosophy, I cannot see it leading me to anywhere but atheism. There’s a conceivable world where I just never dove in with all my mind into the subjects in the first place. I could have gone the route of psychology instead. But even there, I think I would have seen through the smoke and mirrors of the faith. Only were I unable to go to school could I imagine not studying enough about how the world works to possibly avoid becoming an atheist.
But for so long as I was going to pursue the Christian God, I was going to come up empty.
It really is the only honest option.
I really can’t see my scrupulously earnest and honest self winding up with a different conclusion. I am having a harder and harder time seeing myself in adult believers. I am starting to realize it matters decisively, not just incidentally, that I did not grow upto become one of them. They are not my alternate universe selves. They are stillbelievers precisely because they’re different than me. They have different values and make fundamentally different choices.” Since My Deconversion: I Think I’ve Been in Denial About Christian Insincerity – Camels With Hammers
“I’ve talked before about the problems caused by the emphasis on authority (submit, obey, don’t ask questions) and the emphasis on modesty (which is closely related to the idea that if a woman was raped she must have been “asking for it”). But there’s something else going on here too. One of the Bob Jones University rape victims quoted above stated that “the person who supposedly counseled me told me if I reported a person like that to the police, I was damaging the cause of Christ.” Tchividjian wrote that another missions agency GRACE investigated that the organization ”emphasized the saving of souls at the expense of children,” and the same principle is in action here again.” “They said if you report it, you hurt the body of Christ” – Love, Joy, Feminism
“Thirty years ago today, a 15 year old girl died giving birth alone in a grotto beneath a statue to the Virgin Mary. The scandal shocked conservative Ireland and cast light on a darker side of Ireland. An Ireland where to be unmarried and pregnant was a deep shame to be kept hidden. An Ireland where girls were forced to keep children they didn’t want and couldn’t raise. An Ireland where the judgement of the Church was to be feared. An Ireland where narrow minded dogma was held above the suffering of women. An Ireland where Mary was no protection for many girls abandoned and neglected by society.” In Memory of Ann Lovett – Robert Nielsen
“That’s exactly what it is, because the implication behind it is that it’s somehow bad or undesirable if your kids turn out gay. As a kid who turned out gay, I refuse to accept that.
Let’s say, despite all common sense, that gay parents were more likely to raise gay kids. So does that mean we shouldn’t be allowed to have families? Because the world would have—gasp—more gay people as a result? Nevermind that these would be happy, well-adjusted gay people raised by loving families. Just the fact that they were gay would suggest to some people that they weren’t parented properly.
And that’s not a homophobic position?” Being a Gay Parent Doesn’t Mean My Kids Will Be Gay. But So What If They Are? – Role / Reboot
“Maybe the most surprising thing about this experiment in being judicious about whom I retweet is how little has changed. I just pay a little bit of attention before I tap on the icon in my Twitter app, but it’s been effortless to make the switch, and has gotten me far more “thanks for the retweet!” messages than I used to get.” The Year I Didn’t Retweet Men – Medium
“Living with this constant sense of insecurity, the nagging fear that they are insufficiently masculine, prompts men to overreact out of fear that others may detect their lack. Traditional masculinity comes with an inborn hierarchical structure, and one can only keep one’s place by taking it from another; part of being “alpha”, after all, is to be dominant over other men. This need to continually reaffirm one’s masculine credentials means that you literally cannot relax; you are forever in danger of having your own man-card taken away by other men. It creates a culture where the need to assert power over others is all-important, even when those others are just glowing phosphors on a monitor.” Defining a Modern Masculinity – Paging Dr NerdLove
“Going back to that definition of ‘kangaroo court’, the key aspect is that kangaroo courts, when they occur, actually do try and convict people. They are impromptu, outside the legal process, probably prejudiced, and have doubtless resulted in many innocent people being imprisoned or killed as a result. But that’s isn’t what Twitter is. Twitter is not a court in any sense, kangaroo or otherwise. The people who tweeted #IBelieveDylanFarrow are not condemning Woody Allen to jail or the electric chair. At the most, they – we – are expressing our horror at the actions we believe he performed, and maybe when his next film comes out we won’t pay to go and see it. Maybe we won’t want to watch any Allen movies again, because it’s going to be difficult to enjoy them now.” Twitter, kangaroo court and Woody Allen – Fausterella
“Too often, we keep parts of ourselves sequestered – the parts of ourselves that we don’t know what to do with. Our inconvenient truths. The parts of ourselves that won’t sit quietly and play well with others.
For many years, I hid parts of myself away. Mostly because I didn’t know what to do with them, but also because I had learned that they were too much and that people didn’t really like me very much when I became too much. I also hid them away because deep in my heart I told myself the story that I was unworthy.” Unencumbered Truth: Burning With Desire – Mara Glatzel
“Quitting something can be hard, it’s true. But not quitting them is harder — you have to live with health problems (or other problems) for the rest of your life. That’s years of pain vs. a few days or weeks of struggle. To me, the choice is clear — choose yourself.” I Tried to Quit & It’s Too Hard! – Zen Habits
“I have written so often about the tendency of what I call “the purity culture” to blame women for men’s sexual actions. Even rape is too often blamed on the woman doing something to deserve it, inciting his lust with her clothing or her actions. Modesty is preached as the solution, and women are told to cover up. Women become responsible for men’s sexual actions. In this, the last section of Debi’s chapter on being “chaste,” we see this idea taken to a horrific extreme.” CTBHHM: David’s Sin Was All Batsheba’s Fault – Love, Joy, Feminism
“What this means is we have a system where women are stereotyped as “shoppers”. It’s used as a way to point out how inconsequential women’s pursuits are. It’s often held up as an example of shallow money wasting behavior that women engage in.
Yet, when you break down the situation, it’s nothing like that at all. Women need to shop more often because the clothing they have access to is often less durable. They spend so much money on it because they have to do it more often, for a higher price tag than men do. They spend so much time doing it because they have to try on every piece to make sure it fits. Add to this, that women are held to high, unreasonable standards of fashion, and you have a woman that is trapped in a perpetual shopping circuit.” Gendered Shopping – Queereka
“Dropping a word or two from your vocabulary takes maybe a few days of intermittent thought to figure out an alternative word to replace it, and then you can move on with your life.
By not adjusting your language, however, you are instead being complacent in making members of marginalized groups uncomfortable and risk being triggering for the rest of your life.
The psychological and emotional trade-off cost clearly favors the person using the word to change their behaviors, yet this suggestion is frequently met with backlash and outrage.” Stop Being So Attached!: A Beginners Guide on Problematic Language – Everyday Feminism
“That everyone “knows” girls and women lie about sexual assault is a dangerous and enduring myth. A survey of college students revealed that the majority believed up to 50% of their female peers lie when they allege rape, despite wide-scale evidence and multi-country studies that show the incidence of false rape reports to be in the 2%-8% range. Yes, there are false claims, but they occur in roughly the same numbers as false claims for other crimes. As the Equality for Women’s Charles Clymer pointed out recently, based on FBI and Department of Justice information, “The odds of the average straight man (the target group overwhelmingly concerned with this) in the U.S. being accused of rape are 2.7 million to 1.”" Are Children Supposed to Document Their Abuse – Role / Reboot
Beauty & Body Image
“If it weren’t for the very real fear of judgment, many of us would spend more time at the beach, wear bright colors, indulge in trends. Many of us would start more conversations with people we find attractive, go to more parties, pose for more photos. And many of us would run for office, demand promotions, pursue careers in the arts, put ourselves in positions of prominence and rock the world. This isn’t a stumbling block for all, but it trips up more women than you might expect. And until the world sees bodily diversity as the gift that it truly is, I’ll do my best to provide knowledge, tools, and armor to everyone who comes here.” If we lived in a world that was body-blind, what could you accomplish – Already Pretty
Full disclosure, I received a free copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.
How to Self-Promote without Being a Jerk by Bruce Kasanoff is a quick and easy read, but that doesn’t take away from the timeless and inspirational content. Kasanoff’s writing style is very clear, precise and easy to understand.
The basic idea is that it is possible, and indeed preferable to promote yourself – but it is possible to do this without being a jerk. The way to do this is to be:
I very much enjoyed How to Self-Promote without Being a Jerk and thought it was a great reminder – although for those of us who keep up-to-date on personal development there wasn’t a lot of new ideas (at least not “new-to-me”).
By first thinking help this person, you will change the way that others perceive you. There is no faster or more effective way to change your interactions and relationships. You will be viewed as a positive, constructive, helpful, and dependable person. People will think you are perceptive, attentive, and understanding.
That’s why this way of thinking is not altruistic; it is selfish, in the best sense of the word. The single best way to help yourself is to always be looking for ways to help other people. Sure, you’ll be making the world a better place, and over the course of your life, you will help many thousands of people. But don’t do it because you ought to or because it’s the “right” thing to do.
Instead of figuring out what you really want to say, you might tend to cram too much information into one document, whether that happens to be a memo, report, or presentation. There are many ways to phrase this. You could ask someone to identify three things you should consider changing. You could ask them for their three least favorite aspects of the work you did. You might try asking them to identify three things they did not fully understand.
The key is to not be too negative in your request. If you say, “Tell me three things you hated,” most people will say, “I didn’t hate anything, it was good.”
Lots of people — myself included — talk a good game about being open-minded. But how many of us are truly open to ideas that challenge our most closely held beliefs? This question is important because the odds are overwhelming that at some point, your career, marriage, or even your life will be wholly undone by your belief in an idea that proved to be wrong.
The best business people are show people, as are the most effective educators and the most compassionate physicians. Whether consciously or not, they operate their professional lives as though they were in show business.
Partner with others, but do so in a thoughtful and cautious manner. Choose partners who have solid reputations, who share key values with you, and with whom you have common goals.
“If you haven’t heard of CeCe, here’s the deal: She’s been in prison since 2011 for killing a man in self-defence. And not the kind of self-defence where you think someone’s looking at you funny or walking around the place carrying suspicious Skittles so you shoot them point-blank and get away scot-free. This is the other kind of self-defence, where you’re walking down the street and a group of people attack you because they don’t like people of your race and gender walking down the street. Where when you attempt to walk away they smash bottles against your face, leaving you permanently scarred and with a severed saliva gland. And when you defend yourself with a scissors from your bag, you kill your attacker. Where, when the case goes to court, neither your attacker’s three previous convictions for violent assault nor his swastika tattoo are considered admissible evidence of his violent, racist disposition, but a motion to impeach your evidence because you once wrote a bad check is admitted.” CeCe McDonald is free – Consider the Tea Cosy
“Don’t conflate us with “mothers” or say things like “it could be your mother or your sister”. Don’t place our value in relation to others just because that’s an effective way to communicate with people who otherwise think we aren’t worth much. Insist we are worth something on our own terms, and accept nothing less. Otherwise you are validating misogynistic narratives about women’s humanity that prioritise some imaginary woman in the future who will be served by the funding it generates, and not the real, present women who need solidarity right this minute.” Stop silencing women – Feminist Ire
“Every once in a while, it’s nice to watch a little television without worrying about how frequently the mainstream media perpetuates traditional gender roles,” Jenkins said before putting her feet up on her coffee table and tuning in to the popular program that follows women as they shop for wedding gowns. “No mentally cataloging all the times women are subtly mocked or shamed for not living up to an unrealistic body image, no examining how women are depicted as superficial and irrationally emotional, and no thinking about how these shows reinforce the belief that women should simply aspire to find a man and get married—none of that. Not tonight. I’m just watching an episode of Say Yes To The Dress and enjoying it for what it is.” Woman Takes Short Half-Hour Break from Being Feminist to Enjoy TV Show – The Onion
“It isn’t happening to you, it is happening within you. I get to decide who holds my truth. It isn’t all for everyone. Some of it is mine, parts of it can be shared. Safety allows for truth. My sensitivity is a superpower if I learn to slow down. Stay grounded. Feel my way through. Sometimes it is going to get tough. Speaking my feelings. Sharing my vulnerability. This is OK. This is a practice. I will screw up and start again.” Gotta hold tight baby – Hannah Marcotti
“And when my needs come into conflict with what is actually happening, I will teach myself not to need those things anymore. I will sacrifice them on the altar of TRUE LOVE. Our relationship will be like a constant audition where I strive only to show the best, prettiest, least messy parts of myself to prove that we should be together! I will also use LOGIC and REASON. Pro & Con lists are romantic, right? Long late night talks with crying are romantic, right?” #535: Forgiveness, patience and other traps – Captain Awkward
“So, like, why are straight, cis men irreligious?
You never see this one posed, do you? If you can’t see a reason why LGBTQ people would remain religious, given the oppression they face in many religious communities, ask yourself why on earth straight cis men would ever give up religion. If our decisions regarding religion are based purely on the advantages or disadvantages to be gained by group membership, then why would a straight cis man ever leave? While there are privileges to be gained from straight cis maleness everywhere, many religions sure do pile them on even more than secular society.” Sceptics, Religion and Queers? Oh Myyyy – Queereka
“When people say that women discussing our abortions with our partners is, as one person said to me last week, the “only decent thing to do”, they’re thinking of a particular kind of woman, and a particular kind of partner. They’re not thinking of women in abusive relationships, or women who aren’t in relationships at all. They’re not thinking- a surprise really, given a lot of the other rhetoric about abortion- about women who mightn’t be sure of who the father of the fetus is. They’re not thinking of relationships that, for one reason or another, might be intimate in some ways but not others. There’s no talk of, say, the person I dated who told me once that if I ever had an abortion we’d never speak again. Or of the person who longed for a child, but who also regularly spent days on end unable to leave the house. The image is always of women in loving, mutually supportive relationships who for no particular reason decide not to inform their partners that they’re pregnant and planning to terminate.
That idea? Is frankly ridiculous. If people are in a relationship where conversations on abortion would be welcome, where they feel safe and comfortable sharing intimate details with each other, and where they’ll support each other? They’ll talk about it. The pregnant person will talk about it. If, however, her partner is not someone she feels safe sharing with? Or if they’re simply not the person she thinks to go to, if there’s someone else who she is closer to?” Should “potential fathers” have any say in abortion? – Consider the Tea Cosy
“When we talk about abortion, we have a set narrative about what an unexpected pregnancy looks like. She’s young. In school. She doesn’t want her parents to find out. She is irresponsible. She probably needs to take responsibility for her mistake.
But that’s not me. I’m 36. I’m married. I have two kids already. I don’t want and can’t afford another kid…another car…a bigger apartment. I was on the most effective and foolproof birth control method available. I WAS DOING IT RIGHT.” All I Want for Christmas is an Abortion – Grounded Parents
“This story shouldn’t be about placing me on the Mount Rushmore of fathers because of a photo. Don’t get me wrong here, it’s an adorable shot and I’m extremely flattered by the kind words I’ve received from people who think so — but I’ve shared hundreds of pictures of my family on social media and none of them received a fraction of the attention that this one did. Just like the other photos of me with my girls, it’s simply another example of a dad … well, “Daddying.” Additionally, I’m concerned that the bar for being a good dad is set so low that a dude can take a photo with his kids, post it online, and automatically become the “world’s greatest dad” in the eyes of some because of it.” When the Story Isn’t the Story – Huffington Post
“But, I want you to stop for a moment and think about the people in your life that you truly love. I’m talking about the kind of love that is able to withstand a bad day or a string of bad days or a year of bad days.
The kind of love that is big enough and brave enough to say:
I love you, but I don’t like you very much right now.
Why is it that we are able to extend this love to others, but we are unable to grant it to ourselves?
Why is it that we are able to forgive and heal and tenderly stitch up our loving relationships, as many times as necessary, but we are so quick to abandon ourselves?” Brave Love – Mara Glatzel
“I’ve been thinking about this all week, these long legs that I didn’t know I had and that haven’t grown at all, except in my own perception of them.
Of how changeable so many of our body stories are and how easily we can write one into proof.
Of how I had been making myself small in that boxing stance and was invited to take up more space (and how much that resonates in life as a whole).
Of how sometimes all it takes is one person seeing you differently to crack open one of these stories.” Our Changing Body Stories (and my long legs!) – Be Your Own Beloved
The memories of the first decade seemed rather disjointed at first, often jumping from one to another with seemingly no connection between them. Later on, however, it begins to come together and makes sense, as each memory helps throw light on new issues in Scot’s life.
Lily Scot has led a fascinating, and at times very difficult life. I loved the way she opened up to the reader and allowed us inside into her life, giving us a chance to understand the things that we have found difficult and hard to accept in our own lives – even as they might have been very different to hers.
However, Sating the Preta is not a how-to-manual on overcoming complex PTSD and emotional abuse. It is the author’s story, and while it is inspirational and gives the reader hope, there is little practical advice or guidance (which might also have been misplaced in a memoir). In my opinion this doesn’t detract, but is just something for the reader to be aware of.
Trauma is too quickly labeled as rape, beatings, torture, restraint and captivity. I think most trauma is far less horrific than these severe incidents. It’s emotional manipulation, verbal assault, sexual harassment and molestation, intimidation, workplace abuse, and other non-violent trauma too tolerated by society. I do not mean to downplay severe trauma, but instead aim to raise consciousness about the diverse expressions of non-violent abuse that too many condone as discipline or corrective behavior change presumed to be needed by children, spouses, coworkers or employees.
You’ll find your way, Lily,” she said, returning to her chair. “We always do. But you have to start with yourself. Do what’s best for you, not him. He’ll have to find his own way. And that’s alright. In the end, you might even be back together. But if not, then don’t regret the past Just look at your own future.”
She sat back on her chair, but kept looking at me. “I don’t mean to be an old busy-body, but it sounds to me like the person you need to fall in love with is yourself, Lily. From there you can love others more freely. If we don’t love ourselves we get desperate and don’t make good decisions.” She heaved a sigh. “I get upset about these things because I know. I was married to the wrong man for twenty-five years. Well, he was the right man in the beginning for the wrong reasons, but people grow and change and we’re not always the best for each other down the road, even if we’ve travelled it together. Sometimes the road divides for a while or forever. It sounds to me, Lily, like it’s time to step out on your own.” She took another sip of her tea. “I’m afraid I do ramble a bit, but I’ve been where you are and I honestly don’t think you have to suffer like this.”
I turned to the girl and smiled, squeezing her hand before letting it go. If I could have told her to search for a life without begging, I would have done so. I would have told her to become strong and centered in herself and not seek survival or approval through anyone else. I would have told her that for much of our lives we’re not responsible for what happens to us or who we are, but we are responsible for who we later become because as we grow we have choices. Then again, perhaps it wasn’t for me to say. It was up to her and to me to each find our way.
Complex PTSD from emotional abuse is an unreported epidemic in the United States. Lily Scot’s “Sating the Preta” reveals the intricacies of this disorder through a personal account written in terms easily understood by trauma victims and their loved ones in finding recovery from its effects.
According to Scot, in our increasingly anxious society, all of us are vulnerable to Complex PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) as more of us experience psychological trauma first and second hand. For most of us, these are not shocking or violent headline-creating incidents. They are subtle moments of terror first felt by us in childhood that open us to risk and further emotional abuse in adulthood. Out of this Complex PTSD we learn reactions and behaviors we use in a psychotic merry-go-round of avoiding or confronting new terrors. Too many of us are the product of emotional abuse and Complex PTSD, and too many others its unwitting cause.
In Sating the Preta: A Memoir about Emotional Abuse and Recovery from Complex PTSD, Scot illustrates the development and characteristics of Complex PTSD through a personal story that translates the disorder into an understandable and treatable problem rather than the unrelieved craziness that victims feel and loved ones witness. Both can then more comfortably set themselves on a journey toward recovery, one perhaps similar to the transformation experienced by Scot.
This compelling memoir explores the first years of Scot’s life from 1950 to 1980 – three decades of intense cultural change during which perilous and harmful as well as gratifying and amusing personal events inspire her erratic journey and transformation. Scot evolves her story through satisfying vignettes offering vibrant impressions of a poignant early childhood, a painful and silent adolescence, a young adulthood fraught with rage and self-destruction and finally an emerging maturity of compassion, forgiveness and remarkable intuition. She writes in an emotional, but not self-involved manner, her self-deprecations often as amusing as her observations are sharp and enduring.
This story also suggests that in these troubled times we all become more accepting of each other and more insightful, forgiving and kinder in our judgment of what motivates those we meet. Their behavior may just be a reflection of the tremendous chaos fermenting in their soul from influences over which they had no control.
Author Lily Scot has been working professionally in public relations for 30 years, primarily for non-profit human service organizations. This is her first book.
“Trauma is too often labeled as rape, beatings, torture, restraint and captivity,” says Scot. “I think most trauma is far less dramatic. It’s emotional manipulation, verbal assault, sexual harassment and molestation, intimidation, workplace abuse, and other non-violent trauma too tolerated by society. I didn’t even know I’d been through emotional abuse until diagnosed with Complex PTSD. If I’d known my very painful feelings were a treatable consequence of psychological trauma that wasn’t my fault, I would have found relief and led a healthier life at a younger age than my current 63 years. I wrote Sating the Preta hoping young women and men experiencing feelings such as extreme anxiety and depression would relate to my story and seek help sooner.”