“I see the words “I know he would never hit me/physically harm me” in a lot of letters I get. Far more than I could ever, ever, ever answer or publish.
Those words break my heart, every time, because the people who write them are offering them up as an example of how the relationship can be saved and how I shouldn’t judge their partner too harshly. They mean “he’s not ABUSIVE-abusive (even though he does all these abusive and controlling things to me). I’m not like those abused women, I would leave if someone actually hit me.” They break my heart because the letter writers have had to do the calculus, the calculus called Would He Hit Me? and they offer the answer up as proof that he wouldn’t but all I can see is proof that he almost did, that he’s thinking about it, that he’s a week or a year or a hair’s breadth away from it. It’s proof that she’s thinking about it, too, that she’s had to do the math. Nathan wouldn’t hit you, but he’d punch a wall in front of you, so you can see the force of how his fists slam into things., so you can see how hurt his hand is afterward, so you know that the damage is your fault. When I read those words about how the partner doesn’t harm or hit, I can hear the echo of the guy saying them, too, like “Well, it’s not like I physically hurt you! Come on! Be reasonable (and do what I say)!“(Mentioning how “at least you don’t hit” someone kinda sorta exactly like reminding them that you could hit them, that you might hit them, that hitting them is on the list of possible things that could happen, you are a fucking goddamn hero of a man for making the difficult heroic choice not to. Someone saying this to you should always make the little hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and prompt you to look around for the exits).” #640: “I know he would never physically hurt me” and other fairy tales – Captain Awkward
“Abd al-Rahman’s problem wasn’t happiness, as he believed — it was unhappiness. If that sounds like a distinction without a difference, you probably have the same problem as the great emir. But with a little knowledge, you can avoid the misery that befell him.” Love People, Not Pleasure – NY Times
“While I agree we can’t go making demands and bending God into our own image, it doesn’t make sense to me that a God whose defining characteristic is supposed to be love would present Himself to His creation in a way that looks nothing like our understanding of love. If love can look like abuse, if it can look like genocide, if it can look like rape, if it can look like eternal conscious torture—well, everything is relativized! Our moral compass is rendered totally unreliable. We have no moral justification for opposing Joseph Kony’s army of children, for example, because Joseph Kony claims God is giving him direction. If this is the sort of thing God does, who are we to question it? ” I would fail Abraham’s test (and I bet you would too) – Rachel Held Evans
“If that’s true, then your love for others must be judged by the actions you take toward them, not by the speeches you weave around your actions nor by the feelings you feel when you act. Talk is cheap, and actions speak louder than words. So that must be how we determine if you are indeed loving your “loved ones.” It won’t do simply to say it. Your actions must actually benefit the ones you say you love or else they do not really demonstrate love.” Your Love Is Toxic – Godless in Dixie
“Some ideas surrounding Gamergate may be unfamiliar to those not immersed in video-game culture, but gaming culture is a sometimes not-so-funhouse mirror of wider culture, and Gamergate should be examined. Several of the words used in the Gamergate discussion may be new to some; other words, while familiar, such as the word “discussion” itself, have acquired entirely different meanings. I’ve therefore compiled a Gamergater’s glossary.” A guide to the ideas and words of Gamergate – The Globe and Mail
“The more we all let men get away with saying that they just “don’t care” about filth or that women are somehow naturally better at picking up around the house, the longer the chore disparity will last. Yes, sometimes just washing someone else’s dirty cup feels easier than making a stink about why it’s been sitting on a dresser for two days. But rolling our eyes or quietly seething only ensures another, dirtier cup around the corner.” Women aren’t just ‘better’ at housework but men might be better at avoiding it – The Guardian
“As one of Cosby’s victims, Barbara Bowman, explains, “The media creates this idealized image of celebrities: that they are untouchable, that they’re not one of us. … I don’t think people want to believe it; to believe would shatter the illusion.” Specifically in the case of Cosby, Gawker nailed it: “Basically nobody wanted to live in a world where Bill Cosby was a sexual predator.”” 13 Women Have Accused Bill Cosby of Rape – So Why Has America Forgiven Him? – Mic
“Maybe the better path – at least for me – is to harbor those expectations that matter and have value, while at the same time developing the sense of flexibility and fluidity that is so necessary in today’s environment. That’s perhaps step one: don’t be married to one idea, step or methodology too long.” Plan B – ChristopherinHR
“One of the reasons why disclosing in phases can be a benefit is that not only does it give the other person a chance to get to know you as an individual rather than a label, but it also helps you find out more about what kind of person they are. How do they handle these limits that you’ve set? Do they demand explanations? Do they continually forget (or “forget”) that they’re there? Do they only respect them if the reason for their existence is “good enough” (for suitably selfish values of “good”)? Or do they accept that this is how you are and simply respect your boundaries because… well, they’re your boundaries and that’s all the reason they need.” How Do I Talk About My Past With My Boyfriend? – Ask Dr NerdLove
“In my experience dealing with people who behave this way (and I have dealt with more than I’d like), it helps to keep your expectations really, really low. Again, this is my experience, but they don’t get it, and they won’t get it. They don’t apologize. They don’t gain self-awareness, or if they do, they don’t do it where you can see it. That magic day that your sister seems to want from you, where you will come to her and acknowledge all of your “wrongdoings” and maybe you’ll cry a little together and after that you’ll be close, like you were when you were kids? That day probably isn’t coming, for either of you. You didn’t do anything wrong, so if you did something like that it would be a charade. She won’t ever see that she did anything wrong. Logic won’t work, evidence won’t work, because in her emotional landscape reality has become warped, and there won’t be anything you can do to get her memories or perceptions of events to match yours.” #637: Am I being just as mean to my sister if I ignore her for a while? – Captain Awkward
“People who believe in Hell try to absolve their construct of God from that monstrosity by talking as if he had nothing to do with it. They talk as if the existence of such a “place” were somehow beyond his ability to control. “God doesn’t send people to Hell,” they assure themselves, “people choose to go there; they send themselves.” Uh huh. I have two main responses to that. The first is to point out that this desire to absolve God from this atrocity doesn’t come from the Bible, in case you thought it did. The second thing has to do with the impossibility of that task. I’ll start by addressing the initial desire:” Absolving God from Hell – Godless in Dixie
“Lawrence’s scathing reaction – angry, offended and unapologetic – is the righteous end to an evolution of celebrity nude “scandal” responses. Where once female stars were expected to hang their head in shame for having the temerity to pose nude for themselves or lovers, now they can issue a barely-shrouded “fuck you” to a public that so gleefully consumed their humiliation.” The Jennifer Lawrence naked photo response is the end of the ‘shamed starlet’ – The Guardian
“The process sounds simple: Go to a courthouse, file a form, and get a private hearing within a day or so. If the judge—who usually holds the hearing in his or her chambers—denies the petition, a minor has a right to a speedy appeal. A pregnant teen, according to standards defined by the Supreme Court, must show either that she is mature enough to have an abortion without her parents’ involvement or that an abortion is in her best interest. “The way most laws are written, if you follow the statute, Jane Doe wins almost every time,” Hays says. But in practice, girls are at the mercy of whichever judge they happen to draw, says Anne Dellinger, a retired University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill professor who has studied the bypass system. “If a girl wanders into the wrong [court], she doesn’t have a chance,” Dellinger says. With few checks on the system, Hays adds, judges are free to impose their beliefs on the girls who appear before them: “It’s the law of bullies.”” This Is How Judges Humiliate Pregnant Teens Who Want Abortions – Mother Jones
““Crazy” is such a convenient word for men, perpetuating our sense of superiority. Men are logical; women are emotional. Emotion is the antithesis of logic. When women are too emotional, we say they are being irrational. Crazy. Wrong.
Women hear it all the time from men. “You’re overreacting,” we tell them. “Don’t worry about it so much, you’re over-thinking it.” “Don’t be so sensitive.” “Don’t be crazy.” It’s a form of gaslighting — telling women that their feelings are just wrong, that they don’t have the right to feel the way that they do. Minimizing somebody else’s feelings is a way of controlling them. If they no longer trust their own feelings and instincts, they come to rely on someone else to tell them how they’re supposed to feel.
Small wonder that abusers love to use this c-word. It’s a way of delegitimizing a woman’s authority over her own life.” Men really need to stop calling women crazy – The Washington Post
“In the cover story, the Hunger Games star vents her frustration not just with the offending hackers but also with those—including people she knows—who viewed the images online. “Anybody who looked at those pictures, you’re perpetuating a sexual offense. You should cower with shame. Even people who I know and love say, ‘Oh, yeah, I looked at the pictures.’ I don’t want to get mad, but at the same time I’m thinking, I didn’t tell you that you could look at my naked body.”” Jennifer Lawrence Calls Photo Hacking a “Sex Crime” – Vanity Fair
“Despite common belief, outlet clothing often does not enter a “regular” store and is most likely produced in an entirely different factory than the “regular” clothing” The Myth of the “Maxxinista” – Medium
““That task is the essence of power…the essential challenge facing women today. It’s each woman becoming who she is meant to be, the ultimate authority in her life….”
I’m going to repeat that: the ultimate authority in her life.
This is when you own your life. When you know beyond a doubt that your life is yours to create however you please.
You are your own damn permission slip.” you are your own damn permission sleep – Justine Musk
“Simply put, fast food is frequently more cost-effective for low-income people. Elaine Livas, who runs Project SHARE, a food pantry in Carlisle, PA, says that “low-income families might know milk is better for their kids, but when it comes to filling a hungry stomach, a cheaper high-calorie option can look pretty good.”
Furthermore, low-income people may not have storage for fresh food or appropriate or adequate facilities to prepare it.” Why Judging People for Buying Unhealthy Foods Is Classist – Everyday Feminism
“Ever since cooks began playing with the equipment of the food industry, chefs have felt compelled to join one of two camps. The first believes any kitchen is incomplete without a centrifuge, combination steam-convection oven, and $6,000 vacuum-seal machine and immersion circulator to cook 22-hour eggs sous vide. The second camp takes pride in telling you that all these gadgets, and ingredients like hydrocolloids and calcium baths, are outlawed in theirkitchens—because gadgets and industrial powders have nothing to do with cooking. But now that the equipment, ideas, and techniques of modernist cuisine have been around more than a decade, a new generation of chefs declines to declare loyalty to either camp. To me, the most interesting cooks today are not on the barricades but those eager to discover new flavors. They use low-tech means like fermentation and cook over a stove.” One Lab’s Quixotic Quest for New Flavors – MIT Technology Review
“Stereotypes would have you believe that Irish people look askance at those who don’t drink alcohol. While this may be the case, it’s nothing in comparison to the suspicion levelled on someone who doesn’t drink tea. What kind of person doesn’t drink tea? What is this not drinking tea? How does that even work?
Tea is ubiquitous. We drink tea in the morning for breakfast, we take a cuppa into the office, have a mug after lunch. If you’re looking sad, I’ll pop the kettle on. Good news requires tea to celebrate. Nervous or worried about something? Tea. Working hard? Tea. Need to relax? Tea. Visit someone’s house? Tea- and nothing matches the consternation of a host who’s just been told that their visitor doesn’t fancy a cup. What are we supposed to do now?! Better brew up a nice soothing cup mug just to take the edge off.” Let’s talk tea: An essential guide for visitors to Ireland – Consider the Tea Cosy
“The word “spanking” is used in so many different ways. Some use it to mean slapping a toddler’s bottom or thigh for misbehavior in the moment, others use it to mean sending a child to their room for a paddling, and some use it to encompass essentially any physical violence. My parents practiced a sort of “ritualized spanking” a la Michael Pearl and James Dobson. Despite my parents’ best intentions—and their care in following the rules laid out by these teachers—my experience was profoundly negative.” The Problems with Spanking a la Dobson – Love, Joy, Feminism
““You’re not telling your therapist that you’re having problems with self-harm and depression, are you?”
“No, mom. I’m there because I’m angry with my two older sisters for turning their backs on God and being rebellious, and hurting my parents.”
“Good. I don’t think that’s really something to tell your counselor about.”” Melting Memory Masks – Cynthia Jeub
“There are true Muslim reformists who are willing to call a spade a spade while working for the true betterment of their peoples — but their voices are drowned out by the noise of apologists who are all-too-often aided by the Western left. Those who accept distortions in order to hold on to a comforting dream-world where Islamic fundamentalism is merely an aberration are harming reform by encouraging apologists.” Reza Aslan is Wrong About Islam and This Is Why – Friendly Atheist
“The power of the Internet for organizing Men’s Rights Activists, Pick Up Artists, and other anti-feminist groups has meant a surge in numbers of those who see feminism as “anti-male” or who despise the ways that feminism subverts patriarchal masculinity.
And ironically, these groups prey on men who feel hurt, who feel insecure, who feel entitled to sex, but who struggle socially and can’t find fulfilling relationships.
MRAs and PUAs tell insecure men that the problem is feminism, not patriarchy, and in doing so, fuel a particularly violent online (and offline) misogyny.
Yet the hurt and frustration these men face when it comes to sexuality is almost always directly tied to the ways in which patriarchal masculinity distorts male sexuality – which is a battle that feminism fights.” 5 Lies that Distort Male Sexuality – Everyday Feminism
“Ms. Lovelace’s role in tech, for example, is so paramount that her story is the opening and closing chapter. An English mathematician and writer, she wrote the first-ever computer algorithm, put forth the idea that humanities and technology should coexist and dreamed up the concept of artificial intelligence.
“Ada Lovelace defined the digital age,” Mr. Isaacson said in one of several recent interviews about the book. He was sitting outside the Blue Bottle coffee shop in Mint Plaza in San Francisco, known as a hothouse for programmers and venture capitalists. “Yet she, along with all these other women, was ignored or forgotten.”
“If it wasn’t for Ada Lovelace, there’s a chance that none of this would even exist,” Mr. Isaacson added as he waved his hand in the air, gesturing as if to encompass all of Silicon Valley and the techies sitting around us.
In her day, she was all but ignored, too.” ‘The Innovators’ by Walter Isaacson: How Technology Shaped Technology – NY Times
“What Laurie Penny calls for in this book is mutiny. Mutiny against the mythology of “falling apart elegantly,” as we’ve constructed eating disorders to be; mutiny against the careful persona curation of social media, which so many women have mastered because we’re so used to being thought of as commodities. Mutiny for sex workers and men who are tired of the patriarchy too and for women who question the institutionalization of “love,” and all of the other people whom Penny addresses in the bulk of the book—which is about far more than eating disorders and good girls, and functions much as a primer on where feminism could go if we want it to. Mutiny against the idea that for queer youth, “It Gets Better” should be sufficient protection in a world where it should be better now. Mutiny against feminism as a show pony strictly for women who have the time, money, and social platform to be the public face of feminism.” Laurie Penny’s “Unspeakable Things” – The Beheld
“To call this revolutionary or game changing is disheartening. If we are just now considering this a time in which males should get involved in the conversation, I am sad for humanity. We needed white people involved in equality at the start of the civil rights movement. We needed men involved in women’s rights and equality the very moment the law/ social standards began to divide. We needed heterosexuals to stand up for same-sex partnership – all without the question, “What do I get out of it?”” When It Comes to Emma Watson, “Revolutionary” Is Not the Word – Bitchtopia
““What’s your favorite princess?” he asked.
Seriously? That’s the first question he could think to ask a five-year-old girl? She was drawing equations on the chalkboard for goodness sake. Was asking what she wasworking on so hard? Or asking her what grade she’s in, or her favorite subject at school? Or what books she’s been reading? Or what she likes to do? What, I wonder, would he have asked her if she’d been a boy? Certainly not her favorite princess.” “What’s Your Favorite Princess?” – Love, Joy, Feminism
“There’s this one Thich Nhat Hanh quote that I really love. He says,
“There is the mud, and there is the lotus that grows out of the mud. We need the mud in order to make the lotus.”” no mud, no lotus – Effervescence
Welcome to the latest instalment of Twitterature, as always linking up with Modern Mrs. Darcy.
The Storyteller by Jodi Picoult: Like all of her brilliant novels – tangle with the more difficult questions. Who’s got the right to forgive? Can murder ever be justice? Or mercy? #Recommended (Full Review)
“Books, games, movies, and our own experiences are a chance to do one of two things: temporarily escape our own existences, or get inspired to improve ourselves in real life.” Don’t Escape. Get Inspired. – Nerd Fitness
“My first name is Kim. Technically its gender neutral but my experience showed that most people’s default setting in the absence of any other clues is to assume Kim is a women’s name. And nothing else on my CV identified me as male. At first I thought I was being a little paranoid but engineering, trades, sales and management were all definitely male dominated industries. So I pictured all the managers I had over the years and, forming an amalgam of them in my mind, I read through the document as I imagined they would have. It was like being hit on the head with a big sheet of unbreakable glass ceiling.” How I Discovered Gender Discrimination – What Would King Leonidas Do
“There is exactly one thing about her story that has to do specifically with LGBTQ issues, and that is that her husband married her and had children with her even though he was a gay man. That should be her enemy here. She should be out there campaigning for better education for youth on LGBTQ issues and greater acceptance of LGBTQ individuals. She should be out there sharing her story and spreading the message that gay individuals cannot fix themselves by entering into straight marriages. But she’s not. Instead she has misguidedly decided that it is gay marriage that is the problem, and inserted herself into the debate, decrying the destruction of her family even as she opposes others’ right to form families of their own.” Has Gay Marriage Harmed this Writer and her Children- Love, Joy, Feminism
The Storyteller by Jodi Picoult – like all of her brilliant novels – tangle with the more difficult questions. Who’s got the right to forgive? Can murder ever be justice? Or mercy?
You will ask me, after this, why I didn’t tell you this before.
It is because I know how powerful a story can be. It can change the course of history. It can save a life. But it can also be a sink-hole, a quicksand in which you become stuck, unable to write yourself free.
You would think bearing witness to something like this would make a difference, and yet this isn’t so. In the newspapers I have read about history repeating itself in Cambodia. Rwanda. Sudan.
Truth is so much harder than fiction. Some survivors want to speak only of what happened. They go to schools and museums and temples and give talks. It’s the way they can make sense of it, I suppose. I’ve heard them say they feel it is their responsibility, maybe even the reason they lived.
My husband – your grandfather – used to say, Minka, you were a writer. Imagine the story you could tell.
But it is exactly because I was a writer that I could never do it.
The weapons an author has at her disposal are flawed. There are words that feel shapeless and overused. Love, for example. I could write the word love a thousand times and it would mean a thousand different things to different readers.
What is the point of trying to put down on paper emotions that are too complex, too huge, too overwhelming to be confined by an alphabet? Love isn’t the only word that fails. Hate does, too. War.
And hope. Oh, yes, hope.
So you see, this is why I never told my story.
If you lived through it, you already know there are no words that will ever come close to describing it.
And if you didn’t, you will never understand.
It’s the story of a small-town baker hiding from the world, until she strikes up a friendship with a man old enough to be her grandfather – with a story of evil he’s kept a secret for most of his life. How do ordinary people end up able to commit horrific crimes?
Did I know this brutality was wrong? Even that first time, when my brother was the victim? I have asked myself a thousand times, and the answer is always the same: of course. That day was the hardest, because I could have said no. Every time after that, it became easier, because if I didn’t do it again, I would be reminded of that first time I did not say no. Repeat the same action over and over again, and eventually it will feel right. Eventually, there isn’t even any guilt.
What I mean to tell you, now, is that the same truth holds. This could be you, too. You think never. You think, not I. But at any given moment, we are capable of doing what we least expect. I always knew what I was doing, and to whom I was doing it. I knew, very well. Because in those terrible, wonderful moments, I was the person everyone wanted to be.
I don’t want to give too many details away, suffice it to say that Picoult is as thought-provoking as ever. She’s a master at pulling at your heart-strings while making it completely impossible to continue to see the world in black and white – which is why she’s one of my favourite writers.
As always I invite you to find me and connect with me on Goodreads.
“I wrote recently that I would prefer to teach empathy than obedience. As some readers pointed out, at issue here is also responsibility. If we focus on teaching children to obey their parents and other adults in their lives, we aren’t teaching them to make responsible decisions for themselves. One of the things I try to emphasize to my children when teaching empathy is that they live in an interconnected world and their actions affect those around them. This is part of teaching responsibility as well.” But What If They Don’t Do What You Ask? – Love, Joy, Feminism
“So I want to let you in on a secret – something that most of us in the dating advice biz try not to say: dating is hard. It can be exhausting, and even more so if you’re dealing with complicating issues like chronic health problems. But there are ways to make dating easier on your soul.” Dating On Hard Mode – Dr NerdLove
“When marginalized people call you out, your version of the world – the world and the culture that facilitates your privilege and the blissful unconsciousness that comes with it – is threatened.
The automatic response is to deflect this danger by compartmentalizing the problem in the approach of the other person rather than face the daunting task of deconstructing your own biases.
Think about the rhetoric that we use when handling someone who calls us out if we think they’re in the wrong. They’re angry, overemotional, and irrational. They have a chip on their shoulder, they’re wasting their time, they can’t find anything better to do. Or, my personal favorite, they’re spending too much time on the Internet.
In so doing, you establish a psychological dichotomy: The other person is childish and delusional, whereas you’re realistic and easily identified with. Essentially, you’re flaunting that you represent the mainstream and putting them in their place as part of obscure fringe culture” Getting Called Out: Why Acknowledging Oppression Matters More Than Your Hurt Feelings – Everyday Feminism
“The roots of lay and clerical anti-abortionism in Ireland would appear to be a modern phenomenon as medieval sources indicate a country in which abortion could be seen as a less severe offence by clerics, for example, than bearing an unwanted child or committing ‘fornication’. In the middle ages women commonly underwent abortions in Ireland and the fact that they did so is reflected in numerous sources.” Abortion in Medieval Ireland – Perceptions of Pregnancy
“It has come to my attention that some people seem to view being called sexist as worse than the damage done by being sexist. (It has also come to my attention that many people don’t know what sexism is.) This is all highly unfortunate, to say the least, but I think I can help. Without further ado, here is my short and dirty primer on what to do if someone calls you (or something you said or did) sexist.” What to Do if Someone Calls You Sexist: A Primer – Love, Joy, Feminism
“Here, she seems to suggest that the reason men aren’t involved in the fight for gender equality is that women simply haven’t invited them and, in fact, have been unwelcoming. Women haven’t given men a formal invitation, so they haven’t joined in. It’s not because, you know, men benefit HUGELY (socially, economically, politically, etc. infinity) from gender inequality and therefore have much less incentive to support its dismantling. It’s not because of the prevalence of misogyny the entire world over. It’s just that no one’s asked. OMG, why didn’t any of us think to ask?!
This is an absurd thing to suggest. Women have been trying to get men to care about oppression of women since…always. Men have never been overwhelmingly interested in fighting that fight, because it requires them giving up power and all evidence suggests that’s not their super-fave thing. Share a link about gender equality? Sure! Count me in! Give up real power in real ways? Nope, not really.” Why I’m Not Really Here For Emma Watson’s Feminist Speech At the U.N. – Black Girl Dangerous
“Dear Self: I love you. I’m here. I will protect you and support you until your last breath. There is nothing you can ever do to lose my love and respect. I will love you through despair, defeat, joy, and delicious contentment. I am braver than failure and stronger than doubt. I will stay with you through it all.” Why We Doubt Ourselves + How to Be Your Own Best Friend – Danielle Dowling
Lately I’ve been digging deeper into health looking beyond just diet, and instead embracing the importance of all aspects of our lifestyle. The Primal Connection: Follow Your Genetic Blueprint to Health and Happiness by Mark Sisson is the best guide I’ve found so far to get started on this. While there’s still plenty of things to dig further into, it’s an excellent primer on a wealth of topics, such as:
Nature + Wilderness
I’m talking about a life of physical challenge but ample leisure. I’m talking about living by the natural ebb and flow of light and darkness, season to season. I’m talking about living in smaller groups. I’m talking about play and creativity and getting dirt under our fingernails – a life of the raw senses and an overlapping of the self and the natural environment.
Not all of the suggestions might work right now, but there are plenty that help you bring these aspects into your life in little bits and pieces and I love knowing what I can work towards going forward.
I’ve noticed for a while that taking plenty of time for sleep, spending time in nature and generally slowing down is incredibly important for both my mental and physical health and well-being. The Primal Connection has helped me look at more ways to get these things into my day-to-day life, as well as pointing out other important areas such as playing with dirt – and playing in general. I highly recommend it!
How do you make sure to make time for sleep, play, nature in your life? Have you noticed these things making a difference?
As always I invite you to find me and connect with me on Goodreads.
“Everybody loves this Stolen Bike analogy, but it has two fatal flaws. First, a bike is property theft, not a bodily assault. A better (but equally imperfect) analogy would be getting beat up and robbed while intoxicated; do you deserve that treatment because you were physically unable to prevent it from happening?
But even the mugging analogy has a serious limitation; sexual assault is a crime that disproportionately happens to women (though I can’t stress enough that it doesn’t only happen to women) and across the board we treat women’s bodies, women’s safety, and women’s privacy differently. Want proof? Watch what happens when we review high profile sexual assault cases with one tiny change; all of the pronouns for the victim will be changed from “she” to “he.” To truly think through what it might feel like to be the victim of assault, you need to imagine being assaulted by someone you don’t want to have sex with. For many straight men, it’s too easy to write off being raped by a woman as ludicrous or impossible (though it’s not) so we’ll use male-on-male assault to truly find an empathetic comparison.” If Straight Men Were Raped As Often As Women: How Pronouns Change the Conversation About Victim Blaming – Role / Reboot
“I start “call in” conversations by identifying the behavior and defining why I am choosing to engage with them. I prioritize my values and invite them to think about theirs and where we share them. And then we talk about it. We talk about it together, like people who genuinely care about each other. We offer patience and compassion to each other and also keep it real, ending the conversation when we need to and know that it wasn’t a loss to give it a try.
Because when I see problematic behavior from someone who is connected to me, who is committed to some of the things I am, I want to believe that it’s possible for us to move through and beyond whatever mistake was committed.
I picture “calling in” as a practice of pulling folks back in who have strayed from us. It means extending to ourselves the reality that we will and do fuck up, we stray and there will always be a chance for us to return. Calling in as a practice of loving each other enough to allow each other to make mistakes; a practice of loving ourselves enough to know that what we’re trying to do here is a radical unlearning of everything we have been configured to believe is normal.” Calling IN: A Less Disposable Way of Holding Each Other Accountable – Black Girl Dangerous
“Frankly, I feel used. These atheist activists are the sort of people who want to use my story as proof that religion is horrible to women but aren’t willing to listen to what I have to say about sexism in our culture at large. They are the sort of people who are eager to use the shooting of young education activist Malala Yousafzai by the Taliban to prove how horrible religion is for women but somehow fail to mention that Malala is a Muslim who speaks of drawing her inspiration to fight for gender equality from the Koran. This is not standing up for women. This is exploiting women as merely a tool in a fight against religion.” Do They Care About Women, or Simply Bashing Religion? – Love, Joy, Feminism
“Dialing down the criticism and saying “I love you” goes a long way. But so does adding the secret ingredient of speaking to the specifics of what you love and admire. For every specific criticism or correction you make, add a specific positive comment.” Why ‘I Love You’ Isn’t Enough – Psychology Today
“Hi. My name is Zoe, and I make weird video games with some degree of success (and make them playable for free, if you’re so inclined). My life is generally pretty uncomplicated, I guess, aside from the fact that a month ago the Internet decided to make me the center of a supposed global conspiracy. I made the mistake of dating a guy who would later go on to write a several-act manifesto about my alleged sex life and post it to every forum he could create a handle for. Normally, this would blow over with little more than a “whoa, check out THAT guy,” but since I work in an industry that has very strong feelings about women, it quickly mutated from a jilted ex’s revenge-porn to one of the most intense scandals in recent gaming history.
Long story short, the Internet spent the last month spreading my personal information around, sending me threats, hacking anyone suspected of being friends with me, calling my dad and telling him I’m a whore, sending nude photos of me to colleagues, and basically giving me the “burn the witch” treatment. During all of this, I found that …” 5 Things I Learned as the Internet’s Most Hated Person – Cracked
“So what did we learn from all of this? Mostly that women are not to be treated like people, they’re to be treated like a code that can be cracked, a trick that can be learned or a piece of machinery that can be mastered, which is why there are so many manuals. Never assume that the rules of approaching and talking to a friend or relative also apply to the rules of approaching a woman. They don’t. They’re like aliens, and it’s up to you to learn all of their tricks. They are fickle, confusing beasts with difficult, intimidating and sometimes, yes, scary genitalia. The vagina is like a Rubik’s Cube, except you can’t peel all the stickers off and cheat to win. (Unless- Ladies, is that- Would you be into that? In the your-vagina-is-a-Rubik’s-Cube simile does sticker-rearranging correspond to something pleasurable?)” How to Talk to Women (According to the Internet) – Cracked
“There is in our culture a general assumption that women will make sacrifices for their families in a way men won’t. Now it’s true that being a mother often demands sacrifice. There are plenty of times I put aside work to spend time with my children, and I’m happy to do so—I find time spent with my children rewarding and value building relationships. Just the other day I was talking about this with a colleague who empathized and spoke about also setting aside career-advancing work to spend time on the weekends with his children—wait, did I say his? Yes, yes I did. It turns out families frequently involve two parents—and it turns out that being a father can involve sacrifice too.
Why is it that women are expected to sacrifice for their children in a way men aren’t? Why not expect parents in general to sacrifice for their children, sharing the burden of housework and childcare and together bonding and spending time with their children?” On Sam Harris, Pregnancy, and Sacrifices – Love, Joy, Feminism
“The one thing – the ONLY thing – you must do, is find out what works for you.
Find what lights you up, what makes you laugh, what feels like freedom. What feels like love. Find your YES!
And then squeeze the freakin’ living daylights out of THAT.” the one thing you must do – Sas Petherick