Changing the name from Twitterature to Quick Lit – as always linking up with Modern Mrs Darcy. I’ll probably still keep the reviews fairly short and sweet!
The Lies of Locke Lamora (Gentleman Bastards) by Scott Lynch: Enjoyable fantasy with intriguing + thought-provoking plot lines. I would’ve liked to have seen more female main characters, but it was refreshing to see female characters in power.
Broth: Elixir Of Life by Patricia Lacoss-Arnold: Great, basic introduction to the power of broths, with several recipes that can easily be varied as needed.
“When it was over, I wasn’t permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?
There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I’m learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love.” He Never Hit Me – Huffington Post
“Notice how that might be true in your life. If you are married longer than a few years, certainly you will confront this feeling inside of you. That the person you love the most, will become the person you hate the most in an instant. And, again, it’s normal and just right. Long-term relationship is designed this way to help you overcome the internal hatred (projected outward) and embrace more of yourself. It’s beautiful and wise.
This is the intelligence and precision of the human heart. Showing me where I’m still partial, where I have yet to embrace, where I’m still hurt, where there’s pain that needs love. Our fights invite me to embrace another piece of shrapnel from my past, rusty and neglected from an old hurt, ready to be noticed, healed, and integrated.” Is It Possible to Feel Open and Closed in the Same Moment? – Jayson Gaddis
“I defy you to supply an example—any example—of a life circumstance which would constitute God forsaking you. If you cannot even supply one, you’ve just illustrated my point. The very idea is constructed in such a way that a counterexample isn’t even possible. No matter what you come up with, someone will say that God might want that to happen because his ways are higher than our ways, amirite? That phrase is like magic. It justifies and dismisses absolutely any and all challenges to faith. It’s one of the classic moves in the games I was taught to play as a Christian.” Games Christians Play: Making Your Faith Impossible to Disprove – Godless in Dixie
“We usually speak of grief after the death of a loved one but for many in the ex-Christian and ex-believer communities the loss of their faith is very similar to the death of a loved one. How death-like this process will be depends on how sincere and life-consuming your faith has been. But even the nominal believer will experience some of the symptoms of loss when recognizing that he or she no longer holds the same beliefs that once rang true. In other words, the devotion you have to your god or faith will be directly proportional to the pain you will feel as that faith dies.” Grieving the Loss of Your Faith – Godless in Dixie
“I found this very on point. As Rachel Held Evans notes, is often an assumption that women are “biased” when it comes to gender issues, or that people of color are “biased” when it comes to race issues. It is men, and white people, who are (supposedly) able to maintain calm, rational distance—and who are therefore unbiased. Except of course that this is not true.
Male people have male experiences, and white people have white experiences. These experiences are often treated as a sort of default, but they do not make the people living them unbiased or neutral on issues of gender or race—and they are not unemotional or uninvested either.” On Race, Gender, and Being “Unbiased” – Love, Joy, Feminism
“Women aren’t a feminist monolith. Everything that a woman does is not by definition feminist. We don’t live in a world of sexist men and feminist women fighting each other in some kind of epic boss battle, where everyone knows precisely what side they’re on and nobody gets confused over what precisely the other meant by privilege anyway. It turns out that sexism isn’t simply a thing that men do to women. Sexism is a thing that we as a society do to all of us that unfairly privileges men (and masculinity, which is separate but conflated and yes the patriarchy does harm non gender conforming men too, holy shit it does) over women (and femininity).
If sexism and patriarchy are things that society- that is, you and me and everyone you’ve ever met- does to itself, then women and non binary gender people are as capable of sexist actions as men are. If our culture is largely created and recreated through our actions, which are themselves often the result of biases that we mightn’t even be aware of, then we can perform sexist actswithout even knowing that is what we’re doing. And if the very idea of what is sexist can be contested- which it often can be, because culture is hella complex and we’ve got more shades of grey here than you can imagine- then I can think that something is sexist and you can think it’s empowering and we can both be wrong and we can also both be right. Particularly when we’re talking about representation and symbols and meaning and the giant can of thoroughly tangled worms that opens.” A Woman Gave Him the Shirt: T-Shirt Guy and the Monoliths of the Marginalised – Consider the Tea Cosy
I haven’t written a proper post in months. Not because I haven’t had things to talk about, and not even because I haven’t had time.
I’ve had the time, but I haven’t been able to find the words (hello brain fog) or the energy. (As an example this post has taken me a week to put together, working on it a little bit every day.)
Currently I’m dealing with a lot of health challenges.
I had my second surgery for endometriosis at the end of September, and while it went okay, it seems to have made everything else in my body flare up. Which means that I’m currently battling 3 autoimmune conditions, while being investigated for another two. On top of the endometriosis I am experiencing the worst eczema flare in my life – so bad the doctor considers it autoimmune in nature – and I’ve been told that I should live as if I have celiac’s disease (since I’m already gluten free that mainly means being more stringent with cross contamination and had to throw out my shampoo and conditioner). I’m being investigated for POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or in other words my pulse shoots through the roof whenever I stand up) and Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (when the body attacks the thyroid gland).
Day of surgery, 30th of September 2014
So far tests have been inconclusive, lab results have been lost, I’ve had ultrasounds, MRIs and CT scans done, leading to having 2-5 medical appointments per week – frequently in different hospitals.
I was advised that if I didn’t reduce my work hours, soon I wouldn’t be able to work at all. Thankfully my work has been incredibly supportive – even more so than I would have expected – and I am currently working reduced hours to make room for my many medical appointments, plus give me the ability to (try and) look after myself.
It’s frustrating, exhausting and a lot of work. My medical appointments have to be my number one priority, work my second, and even working reduced hours I still feel worn out, exhausted and drained almost every day. I have one or two decent days, usually followed by 3-4 days of feeling horrible.
I don’t know how to talk to people about this, cause I don’t want to become the person who’s always negative. But I also don’t want to lie, when people ask me how I’m doing, and saying you’re “fine” when you’re halfway out the door for yet another medical appointment seems disingenuous.
I’m struggling because my brain is foggy ever day.
I’m struggling because my body seems to delight in finding new pains and aches for me.
I’m struggling because every morning I wake up with every limb feeling heavy and my joints hurting.
I’m struggling to stand up without passing out – especially in the evenings.
I’m struggling with having enough energy for doing even the basic stuff – cause even though I sleep 9-10 hours on most nights – and 11-12 hours at least once or twice a week – I’m always tired.
These things make everything (at least seem and feel) so much harder. My diet isn’t as dialled in as it should be, although I’m always 100% gluten free (whenever I get glutened I suffer), I am eating too much sugar and too many easy meals. I’m finding it difficult to get back on track, because I’m so exhausted and drained all the time, and standing up makes me feel like I’m going to pass out. It’s a bad cycle, and I’m having a hard time breaking it at the moment.
My partner David took me for a drive in the Wicklow Mountains, when I was too weak to do much, but still needed to get out.
I know that things will get better. I know that I am taking steps for things to get better – including working with some very skilled professionals to get to the bottom of what’s happening, and then address it through lifestyle, diet and medication. And I am surrounded by amazing people, including a very supportive work place, fantastic friends, and the most wonderful and supportive partner anyone could hope for.
But I’m not the most patient person, and I want to feel better now. And accepting that it’s going to take time (and has already taken far too long for my liking) is difficult, and that’s okay too.
On bad days I think my body hates me, on good, more lucid days I realize that my body is speaking to me very, very loudly and I need to learn to listen to it.
“I refuse to blindly give money to corporations that don’t actually fund research that will help save lives. Money from most of the big name national breast cancer organizations often goes toward spreading awareness of mammograms and early detection, which research has shown don’t actually make much of a difference in terms of prognosis. Money should rather be directed towards research on treating the real killer: metastasized disease.
I refuse to support a breast cancer culture that encourages women to withhold their anger—to shun any feelings that aren’t perky and upbeat, or even treat the disease as a “gift”. Women have the right to feel their natural anger or fear about this disease and they should never have to apologize for it or cover it up with a pink t-shirt.” Rethinking Pink – Feministing
“I told them that the more I thought about it, the more I wasn’t sure Jesus had ever taken my calls and do you know what they said to that? They told me in reality he always took my calls but made sure to do it in such a way that there would be no way to tell he took them. He answered, they said, but in a way that looked exactly like not answering. That’s…huh. Okay. That’s just weird. Sounds a bit bootleg, really.” Why I Broke Up with Jesus – Godless in Dixie
“This still hurt, it still frustrated me, it still robbed me of the affection I’d never known, but it felt better because it was honest. I’m starting to understand, at least in part, why people sometimes move from unhealthy relationships to even less healthy relationships.
If you switch the labels back, you might still head for the same stuff you’ve always known. For me, I didn’t like the false label. So I sought out relationships that looked like what I’d had with my parents. These relationships included my friends, significant others, and role models. The label read “salt” now. I knew what it was, but I was still trying to make cookies with the wrong ingredients.” The Love Label – Cynthia Jeub
“Social scientists who study families and work say that men like Mr. Bedrick, who take an early hands-on role in their children’s lives, are likely to be more involved for years to come and that their children will be healthier. Even their wives could benefit, as women whose husbands take paternity leave have increased career earnings and have a decreased chance of depression in the nine months after childbirth. But researchers also have a more ominous message. Taking time off for family obligations, including paternity leave, could have long-term negative effects on a man’s career — like lower pay or being passed over for promotions.” Paternity Leave: The Rewards and the Remaining Stigma – NY Times
“Creepy behavior has nothing to do with objective hotness and everything to do with where somebody chooses to set their boundaries. And that’s what people seem to not understand: boundaries aren’t fixed and universal, they’re flexible. We have one set of boundaries for strangers and another one for intimates. Close friends are allowed more leeway than acquaintances or coworkers and nobody blinks twice. So why, exactly, should we be surprised that we choose to allow people we might want to get naked with to get closer and act in ways that might make us crawl out of our skin if someone else did them? Even among friends, different people have different levels of permissible contact. Some friends might have ass-slapping or boob-honking privileges; others emphatically do not. Is it “fair” to the friends who don’t have ass privileges?
Fairness doesn’t enter into the equation. We don’t define our levels of allowable intimacy by some abstract idea of fairness – especially somebody else’s.” Yes, It’s Still A Creeper Move if Brad Pitt Does It – Dr NerdLove
“What’s hippy and what’s dippy about being happy? If being hippy is questioning the main-stream, taking action for wellness, being kind and doing things which are different if they benefit us and the world then to me, that seems powerful and not dippy at all.
Sometimes we want a certain result – in this case feeling positive and happy, but we don’t want to make the changes that may be necessary in order to gain that result.” Non-Hippy Happy: Building the Happiness Habit – Grace Quantock
“These lactic acid bacteria have now been tested on severe human wound pathogens such as methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA), Pseudomonas aeruginosa and vancomycin-resistant Enterococcus (VRE), among others. When the lactic acid bacteria were applied to the pathogens in the laboratory, it counteracted all of them.” Bacteria from bees possible alternative to antibiotics – Lund University
“Most of us come across aggressive, intimidating, or controlling personalities at some points in our lives. These individuals may exist in our personal sphere or professional environment. On the surface, they may come across as domineering, confrontational, demanding, hostile, or even abusive. However, with astute approach and intelligent communication, you may turn aggression intocooperation, and condescension into respect.” How to Successfully Handle Aggressive and Controlling People – Psychology Today
“He used to blow up. A lot.
And so would I.
For a long time…. Years, really… I thought it was just an inexorable part of our special brand of fucked-up-ness.
That emotional hangovers would eviscerate the next day for me (unforeseeably, and regardless of what I needed to get done), always.
That I was powerless to control my reactivity.
That I was even more powerless to govern his.” Cut that shit out – Hot Love Revolution
“You want to hear an excuse I’m not going to accept anymore?
“You can’t blame them; they’ve been taught to believe these things since they were little.”
No. This is no longer acceptable to me, and I want to explain why.
They’re not young anymore. They’re not children anymore. When you are small, you believe what you are told. All sorts of bad things get passed down to children when they are small: racism, sexism, elitism, bigotry, substance abuse, you name it. When you’re little you are impressionable and that’s not your fault. Once you’re grown, however, it’s time to start taking responsibility for the things you do and the things you say. Once you’re grown, the onus is on you.
You are capable of thinking for yourself now. You can analyze the things you were told to believe and decide for yourself if the reasons you were given for believing them were legitimate. When you’re grown, simply holding to what your parents told you won’t cut it. You should know better than that by now. You’re an adult. You want to be treated like one, yes? Well, this comes with that territory. Once you’re a grown-up and you assume responsibility for your own decisions (and perhaps even for the lives of others who are dependent on you), it falls to you to make wise decisions and to think critically about the decisions you make.” Who’s to Blame When Hell Gets Taught? – Godless in Dixie
“I was raised an evangelical Christian. I went through a time of questioning while in college and I ultimately found myself an atheist. The hardest part of my deconversion was the way my parents treated me as a result. My parents could not say “We disagree with you and think you are wrong, but you are entitled to your own beliefs and we respect that.” Instead, my entire relationship with my parents imploded over their belief that their beliefs and their beliefs alone were acceptable.
In other words, it was my parents’ conviction that my beliefs should not be tolerated that destroyed our relationship, not our difference in beliefs. It was their belief that there was only one acceptable form of belief that drove us apart. It was there inability to respect our differences that left me feeling like I no longer had a mother or a father.” Why I Won’t Teach My Children that Religion Is Nonsense – Love, Joy, Feminism
“That reproach for not acknowledging his compliment underscores the real motivation: he wants her attention and acknowledgement. Her presence out in public means that her time and attention is now a public resource, available for any and all to demand at will.Those compliments – the “Hey Pretty”s, the “You’re beautiful!”, the “damn babe, you’re a piece of woman” – all come from the same place: they say “your self-esteem should be dependent on my approval.” Similarly, the demands of “Smile!” aren’t about “hey, cheer up lady”, they’re saying “Your facial expression should be pleasing to me at all times.” When she won’t give him the validation he craves by acknowledging him, she’s being “rude” – ignoring the social contract that she has unknowingly agreed to by being a woman in the first place.
And how, exactly, should she respond to these enticements? Clearly ignoring it doesn’t work – several of Roberts’ harassers follow her demanding that she talk to them. Smiling is often the default option – it’s a quick way for women to end the interaction with minimal investment of her time and attention.If she tells them to fuck off, she risks escalating the situation – possibly to dangerous levels. After all, a woman was killed recently for refusing to give a man her phone number – the threat of violence is very real for women. As Margaret Atwood famously said: “Men’s greatest fear is that women will laugh at them, while women’s greatest fear is that men will kill them.”
Sure, you may not be one of those guys… but how, exactly is she supposed to know this?” Men Behaving Badly – Street Harassment and Cat-Calling – Dr NerdLove
“The trouble with self-help advice is that sometimes it leads us down the path of us not helping ourselves at all. Sometimes we get so caught up in someone else’s vision that we lose sight of our own.
Truth be told, what I consider to be a great life may leave you wanting for more (or perhaps less). What you consider to be extremely ethical I may consider less so. And that’s as it should be. Our value system, beliefs, ideas, and ideals should be our own—informed by the outside, without a doubt, but we need to process and own them for ourselves.” When Self-Help Doesn’t Help: Doing What’s Best for You – Tiny Buddha
“This is wrong, and it’s incredibly unhealthy. At bottom, it is really a kind of abuse. Rather than building us up and affirming those parts of ourselves which are generous, productive, resourceful, and good, this discipline of self-loathing tears us down, reduces us, and teaches us to see ourselves in the worst possible light. I was taught that anytime I do something right, that is God working in me, and anytime I do something wrong, that’s just me being me. Think about that for a minute. Imagine what 20 years of using that interpretive grid would do for a person’s self-image. It’s no wonder most of the artistic expressions of both Christians and post-Christians exude a profound sense of inadequacy, indebtedness, and dependency. Come to think of it, I was taught that dependence on God is the truest and most laudable relationship to which anyone could aspire. But why? We are taught to emulate dependency because we are supposed to see ourselves as incapable of producing anything truly good or valuable ourselves. “Why do you call me good?” Jesus asked. “No one is good except God.”” Anti-humanism: How Evangelicalism Taught Me the Art of Self-Loathing – Godless in Dixie
“Some folks simply don’t understand what they are saying when they refuse to use someone’s gender pronouns.
When someone states their pronouns (he, she, ze, they, etc.), they are asking for your respect. And when you choose not to use these pronouns, and instead opt for your own, you are not only invalidating someone’s identity, but you are also saying a plethora of harmful things that you likely never intended.” 10 Things You’re Actually Saying When You Ignore Someone’s Gender Pronouns – Everyday Feminism
“So by all means, enjoy science! I enjoy it too! I am not anti-science. But please remember that science has historically been used as a tool of oppression against racial minorities and women, among others. Please don’t promote the myth that we can get our ethics from science. We need to bring ethics to science, not the other way around! Please be willing to look for the ways science may be used to support sexism or racism (or classism or homophobia), and be on the watch to call this out when it occurs. Please make an effort to locate your own blindspots.
Science has never been as unbiased or neutral as we may like to imagine it.” Science, Privilege, and Power – Love, Joy, Feminism
““I find it discouraging,” Olson said. “Fashion looks selectively at who they let in and keeps women at a certain place. It’s not helping women move forward in the workplace.” Olson says that some designers have deemed pockets “too ugly” for clothing, while others simply don’t think women need them. And these decisions, she says, have created a chasm in women’s fashion, and hold women back.” The Gender Politics of Pockets – The Atlantic
“You are allowed to be ridiculously happy, even if everyone around you is struggling.
You are allowed to be too much. To be irrational. To be highly sensitive.
You are allowed to ask for what you need.
You are allowed to have needs.” You Are Allowed – Mara Glatzel
“What are you “accepting” right now because it’s the ethical thing to do, or the harmonious way to go? Ethics, harmony, real love — so divine. So much goodness can go in the “healthy acceptance” category. But…What on your “tolerance list” is lifting your life up, vs. what’s weighing it down? What occasions of acceptance are expanding your being with love, vs. what’s making you quietly resentful? When do you feel freedom rush in because you’re accepting the way someone/something is, and when do you feel muffled? Love is a great complexity so it’s not always that black or white, but sometimes it is. Go there.” Unconscious Acceptance. Which is to say, What shit are you putting up with? – Danielle Laporte
““Oh, but if you only realized that we see ourselves just as needy and flawed as you!” No, that does not make it better. The problem isn’t that I think you think you’re better than me. The problem is that you think so lowly of both of us. This really isn’t healthy. You’ve been taught to see yourself this way so thoroughly that you’ve internalized its critical voice and have made it the voice inside your own head. It’s like you met an emotional abuser who was so winsome and attractive that you brought him home to live with you so that he could be a part of your daily life. Now for you he can do no wrong. You’ve learned your lesson well. Any wrong is always your fault, never his. And don’t anyone else dare say anything bad about this inner critic, for he is your closest companion. You just don’t know what you’d be without him.
I tried to find common ground with this. I promise I did. I’m giving it my best shot. But if this is what even the progressive Christian message is going to be selling, then I’m not buying. I have come to recognize this voice of self-loathing despite its various disguises and I’ve seen it for what it is. It’s not healthy, and it’s not good. I’ll have no part in it.” We Are Not Broken – Godless in Dixie
“The view of prayer Max Lucado promotes in his quote above is toxic. I am glad I was told to take my problems to God in prayer but not to stop also trying to fix them. I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to raise a family on Max Lucado’s view. You have a dead-end job that pays too little? Don’t go out job searching! Tell Jesus your needs and leave it at that! There is no way in which this is not a bad idea.” Don’t Try to Fix It – Pray! – Love, Joy, Feminism
“GamerGate polices its own. At least until it doesn’t. And even when harassment does occur, it’s not GamerGate’s fault. No matter how many examples that are presented – from Brianna Wu’s threats to the hordes who attacked an English teacher for writing an open letter on his personal blog about not harassing women, we are told over and over again that these are just some rogue elements and that GamerGate is firmly anti-harassment in all forms. This, of course, is the classic No True Scotsman fallacy – GamerGate is anti-harassment by definition, therefore anyone who harasses other people in the name of GamerGate can’t possibly be a GamerGate-r. QED. But this is precisely where GamerGate trips itself up. You see, because there is no (official) GamerGate leadership and because it’s a decentralized, disorganized movement, all GamerGate-rs are true GamerGate-rs by definition. If there is no standard of membership or official rolls to refer to, then anyone who claims to be a member of GamerGate is a genuine member. It’s nice to be able to disclaim those “rogue elements”, those “bad apples” when it’s convenient, but when you’ve set yourself up as being without central leadership, then you’ve left yourself to the mercy of anyone who chooses to align themselves with you and take up your banner. Easier then, to claim that these incidents are self-inflicted. Yes, the go-to response by GamerGate to accusations of doxxing, hacking and death threats is to literally say “she was asking for it.”” What We Talk About When We Talk About GamerGate – Dr NerdLove
“My most (and least) favorite thing about the term “political correctness” is that it’s basically meaningless.
It’s become shorthand for saying “Ideas that I happen to find ridiculous are being taken seriously by a lot of people, and it’s ruining this country,” which makes its definition entirely subjective – and therefore arbitrary. For example, a person who’s all for same-sex marriage might scoff at gender-neutral restrooms as political correctness gone too far.
Because apparently, political correctness only goes “too far” when it applies to the unfamiliar, the not-often-talked about, the marginal, the stigmatized.” 3 Common Complaints About Political Correctness (That Completely Miss the Point) – Everyday Feminism
“Do women in other areas of the world face greater challenges and barriers than we do here in the U.S.? Yes. But the fact that other women have it worse should not be used to downplay the very real challenges and barriers women in the U.S. continue to face today.” Women Over There Have It Worse! – Love, Joy, Feminism
“I’ve been thinking about what a gift his bossiness was ever since. How many times have I met a friend’s desperation with what I thought was a truly generous statement? If there is anything I can do, let me know. I’m here for you. It’s always well-intentioned, but it’s too easy. It doesn’t, in truth, really work. Almost no one follows up with a request. It requires energy that the truly down-and-out — whether grieving or overwhelmed or depressed — just don’t have. And yet we keep saying it to one another. It’s a gesture, not a rock. A drawing of a life preserver, not the actual thing.” Bone Tired and Ready to Be Bossed Around – On Being
“I wanted desperately to be good. I wanted to do all of the right things. I wanted to be pleasant and lovable. I wanted to have a nice life.
I wanted to shave off my sharp edges and mold myself into something relatively inoffensive.
But, inside, I am sharp and brazen. Inside, I am chandeliers of mega watt bulbs and sparkling golden intention. Inside, I am unapologetically self-assured.
Bide your time. Do it the right way. Channel your brightness into safe channels and projects that don’t call attention.
The thing is, I am breaking free despite myself. A little bit more each day.
I find myself spilling over my carefully defined edges and showing up in spite of my most carefully laid plans.
I used to believe that if I showed the world who I really was, I would be alone forever. But, now I know that if I don’t allow myself to be who I really am, I will belong to no one – not even myself. Now I know that there is no greater loneliness than not belonging to yourself.” Healing for the Inner Good Girl – Mara Glatzel
“What I’ve realised is that self-awareness and self-acceptance introduce more ease into our lives, but they don’t necessarily make our lives easier. “Easier” suggests not having negative, challenging experiences, whereas “ease” is about how we respond to these feelings. We still feel pain, frustration, hurt, anger, and an array of other uncomfortable, distinctly un-easy, feelings, but we stop fighting them and learn to listen to and accept them for what they are.” Level Up: The Difference Between a Life of Ease and an Easy Life – Becoming Who You Are
“I see the words “I know he would never hit me/physically harm me” in a lot of letters I get. Far more than I could ever, ever, ever answer or publish.
Those words break my heart, every time, because the people who write them are offering them up as an example of how the relationship can be saved and how I shouldn’t judge their partner too harshly. They mean “he’s not ABUSIVE-abusive (even though he does all these abusive and controlling things to me). I’m not like those abused women, I would leave if someone actually hit me.” They break my heart because the letter writers have had to do the calculus, the calculus called Would He Hit Me? and they offer the answer up as proof that he wouldn’t but all I can see is proof that he almost did, that he’s thinking about it, that he’s a week or a year or a hair’s breadth away from it. It’s proof that she’s thinking about it, too, that she’s had to do the math. Nathan wouldn’t hit you, but he’d punch a wall in front of you, so you can see the force of how his fists slam into things., so you can see how hurt his hand is afterward, so you know that the damage is your fault. When I read those words about how the partner doesn’t harm or hit, I can hear the echo of the guy saying them, too, like “Well, it’s not like I physically hurt you! Come on! Be reasonable (and do what I say)!“(Mentioning how “at least you don’t hit” someone kinda sorta exactly like reminding them that you could hit them, that you might hit them, that hitting them is on the list of possible things that could happen, you are a fucking goddamn hero of a man for making the difficult heroic choice not to. Someone saying this to you should always make the little hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and prompt you to look around for the exits).” #640: “I know he would never physically hurt me” and other fairy tales – Captain Awkward
“Abd al-Rahman’s problem wasn’t happiness, as he believed — it was unhappiness. If that sounds like a distinction without a difference, you probably have the same problem as the great emir. But with a little knowledge, you can avoid the misery that befell him.” Love People, Not Pleasure – NY Times
“While I agree we can’t go making demands and bending God into our own image, it doesn’t make sense to me that a God whose defining characteristic is supposed to be love would present Himself to His creation in a way that looks nothing like our understanding of love. If love can look like abuse, if it can look like genocide, if it can look like rape, if it can look like eternal conscious torture—well, everything is relativized! Our moral compass is rendered totally unreliable. We have no moral justification for opposing Joseph Kony’s army of children, for example, because Joseph Kony claims God is giving him direction. If this is the sort of thing God does, who are we to question it? ” I would fail Abraham’s test (and I bet you would too) – Rachel Held Evans
“If that’s true, then your love for others must be judged by the actions you take toward them, not by the speeches you weave around your actions nor by the feelings you feel when you act. Talk is cheap, and actions speak louder than words. So that must be how we determine if you are indeed loving your “loved ones.” It won’t do simply to say it. Your actions must actually benefit the ones you say you love or else they do not really demonstrate love.” Your Love Is Toxic – Godless in Dixie
“Some ideas surrounding Gamergate may be unfamiliar to those not immersed in video-game culture, but gaming culture is a sometimes not-so-funhouse mirror of wider culture, and Gamergate should be examined. Several of the words used in the Gamergate discussion may be new to some; other words, while familiar, such as the word “discussion” itself, have acquired entirely different meanings. I’ve therefore compiled a Gamergater’s glossary.” A guide to the ideas and words of Gamergate – The Globe and Mail
“The more we all let men get away with saying that they just “don’t care” about filth or that women are somehow naturally better at picking up around the house, the longer the chore disparity will last. Yes, sometimes just washing someone else’s dirty cup feels easier than making a stink about why it’s been sitting on a dresser for two days. But rolling our eyes or quietly seething only ensures another, dirtier cup around the corner.” Women aren’t just ‘better’ at housework but men might be better at avoiding it – The Guardian
“As one of Cosby’s victims, Barbara Bowman, explains, “The media creates this idealized image of celebrities: that they are untouchable, that they’re not one of us. … I don’t think people want to believe it; to believe would shatter the illusion.” Specifically in the case of Cosby, Gawker nailed it: “Basically nobody wanted to live in a world where Bill Cosby was a sexual predator.”” 13 Women Have Accused Bill Cosby of Rape – So Why Has America Forgiven Him? – Mic
“Maybe the better path – at least for me – is to harbor those expectations that matter and have value, while at the same time developing the sense of flexibility and fluidity that is so necessary in today’s environment. That’s perhaps step one: don’t be married to one idea, step or methodology too long.” Plan B – ChristopherinHR
“One of the reasons why disclosing in phases can be a benefit is that not only does it give the other person a chance to get to know you as an individual rather than a label, but it also helps you find out more about what kind of person they are. How do they handle these limits that you’ve set? Do they demand explanations? Do they continually forget (or “forget”) that they’re there? Do they only respect them if the reason for their existence is “good enough” (for suitably selfish values of “good”)? Or do they accept that this is how you are and simply respect your boundaries because… well, they’re your boundaries and that’s all the reason they need.” How Do I Talk About My Past With My Boyfriend? – Ask Dr NerdLove
“In my experience dealing with people who behave this way (and I have dealt with more than I’d like), it helps to keep your expectations really, really low. Again, this is my experience, but they don’t get it, and they won’t get it. They don’t apologize. They don’t gain self-awareness, or if they do, they don’t do it where you can see it. That magic day that your sister seems to want from you, where you will come to her and acknowledge all of your “wrongdoings” and maybe you’ll cry a little together and after that you’ll be close, like you were when you were kids? That day probably isn’t coming, for either of you. You didn’t do anything wrong, so if you did something like that it would be a charade. She won’t ever see that she did anything wrong. Logic won’t work, evidence won’t work, because in her emotional landscape reality has become warped, and there won’t be anything you can do to get her memories or perceptions of events to match yours.” #637: Am I being just as mean to my sister if I ignore her for a while? – Captain Awkward
“People who believe in Hell try to absolve their construct of God from that monstrosity by talking as if he had nothing to do with it. They talk as if the existence of such a “place” were somehow beyond his ability to control. “God doesn’t send people to Hell,” they assure themselves, “people choose to go there; they send themselves.” Uh huh. I have two main responses to that. The first is to point out that this desire to absolve God from this atrocity doesn’t come from the Bible, in case you thought it did. The second thing has to do with the impossibility of that task. I’ll start by addressing the initial desire:” Absolving God from Hell – Godless in Dixie
“Lawrence’s scathing reaction – angry, offended and unapologetic – is the righteous end to an evolution of celebrity nude “scandal” responses. Where once female stars were expected to hang their head in shame for having the temerity to pose nude for themselves or lovers, now they can issue a barely-shrouded “fuck you” to a public that so gleefully consumed their humiliation.” The Jennifer Lawrence naked photo response is the end of the ‘shamed starlet’ – The Guardian
“The process sounds simple: Go to a courthouse, file a form, and get a private hearing within a day or so. If the judge—who usually holds the hearing in his or her chambers—denies the petition, a minor has a right to a speedy appeal. A pregnant teen, according to standards defined by the Supreme Court, must show either that she is mature enough to have an abortion without her parents’ involvement or that an abortion is in her best interest. “The way most laws are written, if you follow the statute, Jane Doe wins almost every time,” Hays says. But in practice, girls are at the mercy of whichever judge they happen to draw, says Anne Dellinger, a retired University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill professor who has studied the bypass system. “If a girl wanders into the wrong [court], she doesn’t have a chance,” Dellinger says. With few checks on the system, Hays adds, judges are free to impose their beliefs on the girls who appear before them: “It’s the law of bullies.”” This Is How Judges Humiliate Pregnant Teens Who Want Abortions – Mother Jones
““Crazy” is such a convenient word for men, perpetuating our sense of superiority. Men are logical; women are emotional. Emotion is the antithesis of logic. When women are too emotional, we say they are being irrational. Crazy. Wrong.
Women hear it all the time from men. “You’re overreacting,” we tell them. “Don’t worry about it so much, you’re over-thinking it.” “Don’t be so sensitive.” “Don’t be crazy.” It’s a form of gaslighting — telling women that their feelings are just wrong, that they don’t have the right to feel the way that they do. Minimizing somebody else’s feelings is a way of controlling them. If they no longer trust their own feelings and instincts, they come to rely on someone else to tell them how they’re supposed to feel.
Small wonder that abusers love to use this c-word. It’s a way of delegitimizing a woman’s authority over her own life.” Men really need to stop calling women crazy – The Washington Post
“In the cover story, the Hunger Games star vents her frustration not just with the offending hackers but also with those—including people she knows—who viewed the images online. “Anybody who looked at those pictures, you’re perpetuating a sexual offense. You should cower with shame. Even people who I know and love say, ‘Oh, yeah, I looked at the pictures.’ I don’t want to get mad, but at the same time I’m thinking, I didn’t tell you that you could look at my naked body.”” Jennifer Lawrence Calls Photo Hacking a “Sex Crime” – Vanity Fair
“Despite common belief, outlet clothing often does not enter a “regular” store and is most likely produced in an entirely different factory than the “regular” clothing” The Myth of the “Maxxinista” – Medium
““That task is the essence of power…the essential challenge facing women today. It’s each woman becoming who she is meant to be, the ultimate authority in her life….”
I’m going to repeat that: the ultimate authority in her life.
This is when you own your life. When you know beyond a doubt that your life is yours to create however you please.
You are your own damn permission slip.” you are your own damn permission sleep – Justine Musk
“Simply put, fast food is frequently more cost-effective for low-income people. Elaine Livas, who runs Project SHARE, a food pantry in Carlisle, PA, says that “low-income families might know milk is better for their kids, but when it comes to filling a hungry stomach, a cheaper high-calorie option can look pretty good.”
Furthermore, low-income people may not have storage for fresh food or appropriate or adequate facilities to prepare it.” Why Judging People for Buying Unhealthy Foods Is Classist – Everyday Feminism
“Ever since cooks began playing with the equipment of the food industry, chefs have felt compelled to join one of two camps. The first believes any kitchen is incomplete without a centrifuge, combination steam-convection oven, and $6,000 vacuum-seal machine and immersion circulator to cook 22-hour eggs sous vide. The second camp takes pride in telling you that all these gadgets, and ingredients like hydrocolloids and calcium baths, are outlawed in theirkitchens—because gadgets and industrial powders have nothing to do with cooking. But now that the equipment, ideas, and techniques of modernist cuisine have been around more than a decade, a new generation of chefs declines to declare loyalty to either camp. To me, the most interesting cooks today are not on the barricades but those eager to discover new flavors. They use low-tech means like fermentation and cook over a stove.” One Lab’s Quixotic Quest for New Flavors – MIT Technology Review
“Stereotypes would have you believe that Irish people look askance at those who don’t drink alcohol. While this may be the case, it’s nothing in comparison to the suspicion levelled on someone who doesn’t drink tea. What kind of person doesn’t drink tea? What is this not drinking tea? How does that even work?
Tea is ubiquitous. We drink tea in the morning for breakfast, we take a cuppa into the office, have a mug after lunch. If you’re looking sad, I’ll pop the kettle on. Good news requires tea to celebrate. Nervous or worried about something? Tea. Working hard? Tea. Need to relax? Tea. Visit someone’s house? Tea- and nothing matches the consternation of a host who’s just been told that their visitor doesn’t fancy a cup. What are we supposed to do now?! Better brew up a nice soothing cup mug just to take the edge off.” Let’s talk tea: An essential guide for visitors to Ireland – Consider the Tea Cosy
“The word “spanking” is used in so many different ways. Some use it to mean slapping a toddler’s bottom or thigh for misbehavior in the moment, others use it to mean sending a child to their room for a paddling, and some use it to encompass essentially any physical violence. My parents practiced a sort of “ritualized spanking” a la Michael Pearl and James Dobson. Despite my parents’ best intentions—and their care in following the rules laid out by these teachers—my experience was profoundly negative.” The Problems with Spanking a la Dobson – Love, Joy, Feminism
““You’re not telling your therapist that you’re having problems with self-harm and depression, are you?”
“No, mom. I’m there because I’m angry with my two older sisters for turning their backs on God and being rebellious, and hurting my parents.”
“Good. I don’t think that’s really something to tell your counselor about.”” Melting Memory Masks – Cynthia Jeub
“There are true Muslim reformists who are willing to call a spade a spade while working for the true betterment of their peoples — but their voices are drowned out by the noise of apologists who are all-too-often aided by the Western left. Those who accept distortions in order to hold on to a comforting dream-world where Islamic fundamentalism is merely an aberration are harming reform by encouraging apologists.” Reza Aslan is Wrong About Islam and This Is Why – Friendly Atheist
“The power of the Internet for organizing Men’s Rights Activists, Pick Up Artists, and other anti-feminist groups has meant a surge in numbers of those who see feminism as “anti-male” or who despise the ways that feminism subverts patriarchal masculinity.
And ironically, these groups prey on men who feel hurt, who feel insecure, who feel entitled to sex, but who struggle socially and can’t find fulfilling relationships.
MRAs and PUAs tell insecure men that the problem is feminism, not patriarchy, and in doing so, fuel a particularly violent online (and offline) misogyny.
Yet the hurt and frustration these men face when it comes to sexuality is almost always directly tied to the ways in which patriarchal masculinity distorts male sexuality – which is a battle that feminism fights.” 5 Lies that Distort Male Sexuality – Everyday Feminism
“Ms. Lovelace’s role in tech, for example, is so paramount that her story is the opening and closing chapter. An English mathematician and writer, she wrote the first-ever computer algorithm, put forth the idea that humanities and technology should coexist and dreamed up the concept of artificial intelligence.
“Ada Lovelace defined the digital age,” Mr. Isaacson said in one of several recent interviews about the book. He was sitting outside the Blue Bottle coffee shop in Mint Plaza in San Francisco, known as a hothouse for programmers and venture capitalists. “Yet she, along with all these other women, was ignored or forgotten.”
“If it wasn’t for Ada Lovelace, there’s a chance that none of this would even exist,” Mr. Isaacson added as he waved his hand in the air, gesturing as if to encompass all of Silicon Valley and the techies sitting around us.
In her day, she was all but ignored, too.” ‘The Innovators’ by Walter Isaacson: How Technology Shaped Technology – NY Times
“What Laurie Penny calls for in this book is mutiny. Mutiny against the mythology of “falling apart elegantly,” as we’ve constructed eating disorders to be; mutiny against the careful persona curation of social media, which so many women have mastered because we’re so used to being thought of as commodities. Mutiny for sex workers and men who are tired of the patriarchy too and for women who question the institutionalization of “love,” and all of the other people whom Penny addresses in the bulk of the book—which is about far more than eating disorders and good girls, and functions much as a primer on where feminism could go if we want it to. Mutiny against the idea that for queer youth, “It Gets Better” should be sufficient protection in a world where it should be better now. Mutiny against feminism as a show pony strictly for women who have the time, money, and social platform to be the public face of feminism.” Laurie Penny’s “Unspeakable Things” – The Beheld
“To call this revolutionary or game changing is disheartening. If we are just now considering this a time in which males should get involved in the conversation, I am sad for humanity. We needed white people involved in equality at the start of the civil rights movement. We needed men involved in women’s rights and equality the very moment the law/ social standards began to divide. We needed heterosexuals to stand up for same-sex partnership – all without the question, “What do I get out of it?”” When It Comes to Emma Watson, “Revolutionary” Is Not the Word – Bitchtopia
““What’s your favorite princess?” he asked.
Seriously? That’s the first question he could think to ask a five-year-old girl? She was drawing equations on the chalkboard for goodness sake. Was asking what she wasworking on so hard? Or asking her what grade she’s in, or her favorite subject at school? Or what books she’s been reading? Or what she likes to do? What, I wonder, would he have asked her if she’d been a boy? Certainly not her favorite princess.” “What’s Your Favorite Princess?” – Love, Joy, Feminism
“There’s this one Thich Nhat Hanh quote that I really love. He says,
“There is the mud, and there is the lotus that grows out of the mud. We need the mud in order to make the lotus.”” no mud, no lotus – Effervescence